Unconditional Love: Is It Real Or Just A Romantic Illusion?


Love: Why Unconditional Love Doesn't Exist In Real Life
Unconditional Love may not save your relationship but managing realistic expectations will!

When your love is unconditional, nothing can tear it asunder. What exists is the-two-of-you-as-one — infallible, ageless, timeless, and forever. New lovers are intoxicated by the overwhelming emotion, each other and by the potent chemical cocktail that results. But here's what you have to know: unconditional love is a romantic illusion, and one that reflects love that is immature. This is love that is ignorant of the stages of life, of marriage, and individual development. Unconditional love is naïve and unaware that strong relationships result when two strong individuals combine.

Unconditional love is easy; no decision-making or responsibility is required. Love has no boundaries when it's unconditional. But the real world is conditional — there are reactions to actions and consequences, too. Each of us has at least one marital condition in mind; fidelity, honesty, loyalty, and truth. If partners agree on the concepts, do they agree on how they look in practice? Be aware of how you came to believe what you do about unconditional love. Talk with each other thoroughly and often, carving nothing in stone. Read on to learn how relationships change and 5 ways you and your partner can evolve together. 


Who you were then isn't who you are now
Moving through time, changing with circumstances, most of which are unpredictable, chances are good that each of you has awakened to thoughts, feelings, expectations, and assumptions about your relationship that makes your role different, unworkable, misunderstood, confusing, or unheard. 

Build a solid foundation for your relationship
It's just not true that all you need is love. Success demands we know what we're doing; proficiency comes with practice. You didn't become proficient at your job without learning and continuing to upgrade your skills. Having and using skills means the toolbox is there when something breaks.

Prepare yourself and your relationship for uncertainty, change and growth
How we adjust to change isn't always smooth or easy. Love-blind couples are unprepared, surprised even, when life happens in the form of illness, joblessness, or family of origin demands. Realignment takes communication and work.

Manage your expectations
There is no such thing as "the one". But when relationship ups and downs happen, a lot of us get nervous and believe we've made the wrong choice. What did you expect? Partners manage change by looking inward before blaming outward. Love by itself doesn't conquer all. 

Personal boundaries create healthy togetherness
You're you. That's what was attractive in the first place. We think the way to true love is to lose ourselves in the other.  All that earns is eventual resentment and lots of identity problems. In truth, intact partners provide the pillars that make a relationship strong.  

Take responsibility 
Unconditional love reflects new love; when the rubber meets the road, love is never enough. Being a success at marriage, or anything, requires that skill is supported by commitment and practice.   

The idea of "uncondtional love" is beautiful but as we know, real relationships and love require work. It is only after you've gone through the work with your partner that you can have an honest look into your love for each other. 

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Kathe Skinner

Marriage and Family Therapist

Kathe Skinner, M.A.





Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Credentials: LMFT, MA
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