He WANTS to please you, he just might not know how.
Most of us women secretly wish for something we’re not getting in bed, and while wishing is important it doesn’t often get your message through to your man.
If you want to teach a man how to make love to your body and heart, you need to understand two key things to succeed. The first is how to talk to a man about sex (in the right way), and the second is how to express your feminine vulnerability.
Typically, my clients tell me that their attempts to teach their men in bed fail. When I ask how they convey what they want, they tell me that they either “have a talk,” wherein they express different things they might like to try (awkwardly), or they give specific instructions as to how they want to be touched or made love to.
What typically happens is that their partners hear them, and then what they hear seems to mysteriously be “forgotten,” or worse, to become routine.
While these methods would seem to make good sense for how to teach a man to make love to you, they rarely work. If you step into a man’s shoes for a moment, this will be easier to understand.
Imagine being your man. Imagine how intimidating your body is for him, how different and strange from his own, and yet, how much he feels a desire and a responsibility to please you. He knows if he doesn’t please you, it’s not going to play well for the rest of your relationship.
He also knows that you have certain expectations that he know how to please you with minimum instruction. And while you might be willing to guide his hand here or his lips there, the truth is he’s right: You want a finished product. You want a man who can command your body and pleasure with little instruction and with little direction.
So there's a bit of pressure on him. Now add in the fact that he’s got his own body to deal with and wants to make sure that it functions in a way that provides maximum pleasure for you. You get the picture and the setup.
Most sex educators will tell you to simply express what you want to a man; that it’s really all about your being willing to divulge the details of what rings your pleasure bell. Sounds good, right? All you need to do is have that talk or instructional session and all should be good, yeah?
But as soon as you approach a man, in bed or out, about teaching him to be a lover for you, guess what happens? I know you can imagine. He feels like a failure.
Oh, he might put on the happy face and the eager to please attitude, but under that he feels like a failure because you have to teach him. Remember, he knows in his heart of hearts you’d rather not have to do this.
Of course it’s unrealistic for you or for him to expect him to know all the intricacies of your turn on, but you both have this crazy expectation. So you’re a bit uncomfortable and disappointed that he doesn’t get your body, and so is he. Now you try to teach him, and as much as he wants to learn, he’s guarded. Any surprise he’d somehow forget what you taught him or deliver it daily like a bad habit?
So the question is: How do you navigate this desire you have to teach him to make love to you in the ways that you like, without alienating him as a lover and friend? The answer? Carefully.
There are two rules for how to train a man as your lover and they absolutely must be followed for a positive and fulfilling result.
1. Give him positive feedback about ways he leads you that work positively for you.
These positive comments don't have to be specifically sexual, and in fact, it’s best if at least half of them aren't. When you give positive feedback about ways that he leads you well, he thinks about how those same actions might work in bed. (Remember: men are always thinking about sex).
For example, if you like the way he decides where to go for the weekend, or how he surprises you with romantic dates, or how he makes definitive choices about the kids, or how he tells you exactly what he wants for dinner — any way that he's leading and definitively acting masculine, you’d reflect that back.
- “I love it when I’m undecided about what to wear and you tell me, 'Put on the little black dress.' That actually turns me on."
- “I love how you notice when I’m stressed out and gallantly take over in the kitchen. It’s so sexy when you’re manly like this.”
- “I love how I feel with you when I’m unhappy in a restaurant and you start commanding all the waiters to take care of me. It really turns me on when you’re in charge.”
The point here is that you’re building a framework of positive feedback about his leadership. He will feel it as sexual affirmation. You’re letting him know that he can make you happy — that you like it when he leads, and that you think he leads well. When you jump into teach him about pleasure and this framework isn’t in place, his first thought is that you’re dethroning him as the leader in bed, because he has the expectation that he will lead you.
Giving positive feedback will also build good feelings between you, and get you into the very sensual and sexy practice of being feminine (meaning learning how to receive from him and share verbal appreciation of what you receive).
Your next opportunity is to use this same kind of positive feedback for actions of his that are specifically sexual, even if there's currently little pleasure for you in making love to your man. Your opportunity is to find the moments that you do enjoy and share them, either during lovemaking or after.
2. Make the teaching all about YOU, instead of it being about teaching him something.
Frame it in a way that's about you showing him what YOU like.
“Would it be OK if I showed you something I really like? I’m uncomfortable with asking, but it really turns me on.” Or, “I’d love to show you something I’d like to try with you, something that turns me on.”
You want to emphasize how it turns you on, NOT that it’s about correcting what he does currently. If you feel vulnerable, you’re on the right track. You should feel vulnerable because what you share is about your pleasure and your body. Be soft and gentle, and focus on revealing yourself to him.
Then when he gets it right, tell him “Yes, I love that,” or, “A little softer, a little slower.” Or even better, convey it through sounds of pleasure. Men love to discover how to please you. Then continue to reinforce your framework of positive feedback. You want a solid sense of sexual trust between you. You’ll know he trusts you when he's no longer afraid to hear your sexual input, or for you to you guide him as a lover.
Remember to debrief after sex to keep feeding the positive feedback loop, by sharing something specific that you enjoyed about his touch or his lovemaking. Then he’s certain to welcome your guidance when it arises, and likely to take that guidance to places that will delight and surprise you.