The best way to approach a woman is to first understand how she thinks.
1. Get her attention, but be subtle.
Once, I was in Denny’s with my homework, waiting to be seated, wearing a rhinestone Superman baseball cap. This guy came up to me and complimented my hat. This is the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with.
He got my attention, and then we continued our conversation after I sat down with my homework. We flirted and talked. And since he knew I spent a lot of time studying at Denny’s because my roommates were awful and I couldn’t get anything done, he showed up again the next day to keep me company.
My point in telling you this is to let you know how simple it is to get a girl’s attention, and how much easier it is than you’d expect. He didn’t pick me up at a bar or a club. He got my attention at Denny’s. I had a boyfriend and I shouldn’t have given him my attention, but I did anyway. I was looking for something else when he approached me. That’s why I was receptive to him. But whether I’d been single or attached, he would have had my attention because he noticed something unique about me.
2. Learn from women.
Getting a woman’s attention without being desperate is so much easier than you’d think. It’s simple: Engage, back off and cut your losses. This is a secret most women know. We have an ace in the hole when it comes to engaging with a man: the ability to engage, back off and cut our losses when we approach guys or are approached by guys.
A woman who approaches a guy (or is approached by a guy) engages, and then if he ditches her, she backs off, cuts her losses and moves on. A woman will not be seen trying to get the same guy’s attention all night, but a man who sets his sights on a woman will. This is where you have a miraculous breakthrough. She’ll see you as persistent and interesting–or, more likely, desperate. Then any shred of interest she had in you will be instantly demolished.
Women don’t do this. Women get clingy. If she hooks onto a man, she will almost never let go. This is our liability. Some of us have learned to overcome this liability, which really comes out in relationships. When it comes to the casual encounter, women know how to rule the scene. In the bars, the clubs, in any flirtatious encounter, we know that if we engage a guy and he doesn’t respond, we can cut our losses and move on to the next flirtation. If we engage a guy and he responds but then plays it cool, we back off until he moves back in. If he doesn’t, no big deal.
When it comes to the going-out scene and the casual flirtation scene, women are the stars of the show. We thrive in this environment. Most women are in their zone here. So, if you want to engage a woman without being desperate, you’ve got to learn to back off and cut your losses.
3. Watch the signs.
A woman will show you in less than five minutes whether you: a) don’t have a chance in hell, b) have potential or c) are a catch.
a. If you don’t have a chance in hell, she may be polite to you because she doesn’t know how to be rude, but don’t mistake politeness for interest. I am normally one of these women. I won’t be rude to you, but I will not flirt with you.
b. But if you have potential, she will most likely flirt with you pretty obviously, feeling very confident and very certain of herself. Potential means she thinks you are at her level, slightly above or slightly below. The point is, you don’t shake her confidence.
c. Or maybe she thinks you are a catch, which means she is very interested. In this case, she may do the exact opposite of what you’d expect. She may not feel very confident and will be shy or less obvious about flirting with you. When a woman is around a man she is really into, she feels less sure of herself and will show it in her composure. But the difference between polite disinterest and shy extreme interest is the way she responds to you. If she is interested, she will be very, very nice to you. Not polite. Nice. Sweet. If she is politely disinterested, she will act cordial. She will answer your questions with one-word answers to discourage conversation. If she likes you, she will leave the conversation open-ended for you to deepen the connection.
However, if you pull back or don’t show enough interest in her, she will cut her losses and move on, no matter how much of a catch she once thought you were. This is where she knows she will be able to engage another man if you don’t stick.
4. Know when to back off.
Learn to pay attention to the signs. In less than five minutes, she will give you a signal whether or not she is interested. If she is not, back off, cut your losses and move on. The longer you try to force an interest or a connection, the more desperate you come off. Who knows? Your first impression, if it was too strong, may be diluted by your moving on. She may suddenly become interested. Getting rid of a guy we are not interested in is sometimes one of the most irritating things women deal with. If you don’t commit the fatal mistake of hanging on when she is clearly brushing you off, her entire impression of you changes, and so does her reaction. She goes from being uptight and on the defensive to relaxed, because you aren’t trying to stick to her when she wants you to let her be.
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This article was originally published at How To Get The Woman of Your Dreams . Reprinted with permission from the author.