ProConnect

Emotional Infidelity: Is It Worse Than A Sexual Affair?

By ,

Emotional Infidelity: Is It Worse Than A Sexual Affair?
Does your partner text more frequently with his "office wife" than with you?
If you're seeking emotional connection outside of your relationship, you might be on thin ice.

Affairs don't always involve hotel rooms and sneaky sexual liasons. Sometimes, emotional infidelity drives a wedge between committed partners. Here, two relationship experts talk about this often-ignored issue for married couples. 

By Expert Lisa Shield:

More from YourTango: Is Nagging Worse For Your Marriage Than Cheating?

Do you have what I like to call an "office husband?" Do you find yourself taking extra time getting ready to impress a certain coworker? Are you texting excessively with someone who isn't your partner? If you've answered yes to any of the above, you might already be having an emotional affair.

Emotional infidelity is defined when one partner goes outside the primary relationship to get his or her emotional needs met — and it is more common and more damaging than you might imagine.

When my husband was in his first marriage, his wife would stay up late into the night talking to her best friend's boyfriend on the phone. He would wake up and hear his wife laughing and talking about things she'd never shared with him before. He longed to share this kind of connection with her, but it wasn't there... and it never would be, as long as she was confiding in another man. My husband told me that he was more hurt by his ex-wife's emotional infidelity than if she'd had sex with this other man.

We place an inordinate amount of importance on sex in a relationship, but it is really the emotional and not the physical connection that is so hard to build. In fact, Mother Nature has hard-wired us for sex, and it doesn't take much for us to give into our impulses. A few drinks or a bad fight can cause us to become irrational and act out sexually. In the end, having sex is just sex. It won't lead to an emotional connection. What really matters is securing a deep emotional bond and sustaining that connection with your partner.

Are physical affairs bad? Of course they are. Anytime you break an agreement with your partner, you undermine the trust and safety in your relationship. As damaging as sexual infidelity can be, emotional fidelity is the hardest thing to build — and it takes the biggest toll on a relationship when it is betrayed. If you are going to have what I called a "Naked Relationship," you need to protect the emotional integrity of your partnership above and beyond the physical aspects. Any two people can have sex in the heat of the moment. But the thing that everyone longs for is to have a deeply passionate emotional connection that can be sustained for a lifetime.

---

By Expert Gina Binder:

We all know what can happen to us when a partner is sexually unfaithful. But do we really understand the consequences of emotional infidelity? Maybe stories of two Christian couples can shed some light.

Jamie was 26 when she discovered that her husband had been having sex with an agency intern during recent alcoholic binges. To make matters worse, she was mortified to discover that she'd contracted an STD from the only man she'd ever slept with. She was sure her marriage was over — after all, this was the worst kind of breach she could imagine. Jamie entered individual counseling to explore her options and process her emotional pain. Meanwhile, Todd joined a 12-step program and began a march towards consistent sobriety. The way he explained it, his sexual behavior was fueled by alcohol; not by any true desire for, or emotional attachment to, his brief sexual partner. For Jamie and Todd, the physical affair was a wake-up call to address individual problems and relationship challenges that they'd been ignoring. After a few months, they decided to reach out to one another, and begin the hard work to create the kind of faithful bond each desired.     

While Jamie and Todd were walking hand-in-hand years after a physical affair, Mindi felt like she and Chris were oceans apart. She wanted to make her 15-year marriage work, but a big piece of Chris was committed to someone else. For several years he'd been cultivating a relationship with someone at work. They shared meals together, talked about his hopes and dreams, and took day trips together — all without sex. While Chris was living large with his coworker, Mindi was alone with the kids, feeling like a single mom whose emotional account was overdrawn. When both were home, they gravitated to different parts of the house. Mindi had little motivation to reach out to Chris while he was invested in his coworker, and Chris could not effectively reach out Mindi until he let go of his extra-marital emotional attachment. They were stuck in a no-man's land.       

If these stories teach anything, I think they highlight the lure and power of emotional attachment — and the dangers of seeking that intimate emotional connection outside of a committed relationship. I think emotional infidelity is like a wolf in sheep's clothing: all soft, safe, and cuddly on the outside, but inside it can be deadly dangerous to a committed relationship.

---

Emotional infidelity doesn't have to mean the dissolution of a committed partnership, but you and your spouse should work on healing together, before it is too late. If you're dancing on the edge of inappropriate behavior, ask yourself this: is seeking an emotional connection outside my marriage truly the best thing for my long-term happiness?

More from YourTango: The Big Stuff: Have You Saved Enough For Life's Important Events?

More emotional infidelity advice from YourTango: 

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Gina Binder

Counselor/Therapist

Gina Binder is a Resident in Counseling who helps couples and individuals find the change they need to live the life they desire.  She practices under the clinical supervision of Katherine Rosemond, LPC.  If you're in Northern Virginia, contact Gina for a free 15-minute phone consultation - to see what's possible for you or your relationship.   

To jumpstart change in your relationship, grab Gina's FREE report, How to Make Your Relationship Work When Something's Wrong.     

Location: Manassas, VA
Credentials: MA
Advanced Member

Lisa Shield

Relationship Coach

Lisa Shield, MA, CPCC

I will show you how open your heart and attract true love with nothing to hide. To get started, go to my website and get my free ebook, "Five Simple Solutions to Turn Your Dating Around," sign up for informative newsletter, and book a free sample session today!

"Naked" Dating & Relationship Coach

(323) 939-1770

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: MA, PCC
Other Articles/News by Gina Binder, Lisa Shield:

Real Communication For Real Change: Must-Read Couples Advice

By

When the winds of change blow, partners often respond to the situation differently. One may see a specific problem and want something in the relationship to change, while the other seems blissfully ignorant, irritatingly inattentive, and maybe even downright obstinate. So what happens from there? One partner wants to initiate change and opens up communication. ... Read more

5 Silly Mistakes Women Make When Online Dating

By

You wouldn't believe some of the silly mistakes I see my clients make when online dating. Or, maybe you would. Maybe you're making some of these same errors yourself. Most single women are scared that they'll never find true love and that they'll wind up alone. My biggest fear was that I would find myself single with chin hairs and a houseful of ... Read more
Recent Expert Posts
shame

How to Get Over Your Stinkin' Thinkin'

Recognize "Stinkin Thinkin" that leads to depression and turn it into positive action and success.

valentines-flowers-surprise

Why Breakups Hurt

Breakups hurt us even when there is no love lost.

Brain

Why Do Men Hide Their Emotions?

The emotional processing in the male and female brain is not the same....

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS