Shame is a mood killer in the bedroom.
Who doesn't have sex? Apparently, our parents and children.
Just the thought of those categories having sex drives us crazy. We don't want to be confronted with the fact that either parents or children are sexually active.
Even in this day and age, sex is still a sensitive topic to talk about. Sure we joke and "brag" about it, but a serious conversation about it is still taboo. The moment we open up around sex, we show our most vulnerable side. As a society, we view sex as something dirty, low class, or animal lust, so we prefer to keep it under wraps.
Since we can't talk openly about sex and our own sexuality, feelings of shame easily form.
The most common feelings of shame are often about:
- Our body shape: We are either too fat, too thin, have no breasts, small penis size, no six pack, and more. The information around us forms our perspective: ads, health magazines, and even the way we inform our youth. What we create is a view of the PERFECT person. If we don't fit the mold we're out AND we shouldn't be sexually active. Where is this nonsense coming from?
- Sex preferences: Talking about sex toys, bondage, and role-play, just to name a few, are still judged and marked as filthy and only perverts like it.
- Sexual Orientation: Gays, lesbians, and transgender people are still viewed as second-class citizen, who should be "cured" and become normal. Who made us GOD that we can judge somebody else?
- Society on sex: What we've been taught by our parents, school, religion, and media become our view on sexuality. When we look closely we will find that North America doesn't see the difference between nudity and porn (for example, breastfeeding is covered in a TV clip.)
- Past experience: When we have a negative sexual experience, we start blaming ourselves that we are not good enough at it, and therefore not equipped for sexual activity.
We didn't have control over what we were taught when we were young about sexuality, but luckily now, as an adult, we can choose if we follow those teachings or not.
We can free ourselves from the hold of shame by focusing on these 6 things:
1. Loving ourselves.
We assume that we have self-love, BUT we often do self-betrayal. Self-love is that we love all of our self, body, spirit, and soul. Self-betrayal is when we talk down to ourselves about the way we look or the failures we encounter.
All it takes is looking in the mirror and go "Tada! Here I am! I'm proud to be me." Beauty and sexuality shine from the inside out. Know WHO you are and be proud of it.
2.Taking care of ourselves.
Carrying our self with pride also means dressing with care and taking care and pride in our personal appearance (nice haircut, fitted and clean clothes, and a skin care routine). This doesn't mean spending a fortune, just shop smart, you deserve it.
3. Being honest with ourselves.
We have to sit down with ourselves and acknowledge who we are. We also have to take care of our personal boundaries, what works for us and what doesn't.
This helps us to get in touch with our sexuality and create happiness and intimacy in all relationships.
4. Becoming clear on what we want.
When we know what we want in the bedroom, we can communicate that with our partner and find a way to make it pleasurable for the both of us (even when it involves multiple people).
There is always information out there on the topics we may be interested in. Nothing is weird when we have the same preferences.
5. Dealing with the demons around our perspective on sex.
Most of us have demons or assumptions around sex. We have to meet those head on, find out more, and be gentle with ourselves. A non-judgmental therapist or life coach (like myself) are great options for helping us getting over our fears.
6. Being picky about your sexual partner.
Sex is a loving way of connecting with another person and ourselves. To have self-love also means to say "no" to a person you don't feel a sexual connection with or when we are not sure about the health risks this encounter brings. Make sure you are 100 percent behind your decision to have sex.
Sexuality is something very natural. Let's embrace it and kick shame out of the bedroom once and for all. You, me, and everybody else are so worth it. Let's give permission to ourselves and each other to enjoy sex.
For help or information on a healthy sex life contact Ellen Nyland.
This article was originally published at Ellen Nyland. Reprinted with permission from the author.