Cheating happens for many reasons. But the pain and devastation is often quite similar.
You cheated and she discovered the truth. What do you do now?
All those little white lies and bigger and bigger lies had you tied up in knots. You got yourself into a situation which felt great at first but started to eat away at you. The other woman seemed so appealing, so exciting, so understanding and so different from your wife. This other woman played up to you, flattered your faltering ego, and provided the hot sex you had been craving but not receiving at home. You thought you were so cool, that you could have your cake and eat it too. You thought you had covered your tracks so well and that your wife would never find out. And you even rationalized that if she did know, she loves you so much she would get angry for awhile and then just easily forgive and forget.
What a shock it must have been for you to discover that your wife is smarter than you thought, more sensitive than you imagined and capable of a rage and distance you never thought possible. Suddenly, your wife has come out of hiding and revealed to you the passionate and emotional woman that you didn't know was there. And just when you begin to feel that passion return toward your wife, she is half out the door or sending you flying with your suitcase in hand.
How do you get your wife back after you have committed the cardinal sin of cheating? What can you possibly say or do to gain back the love and trust and puppy eyed adoration of this woman whose hand you took in marriage? What would it take for her to be able to re-establish a sense that she is okay, that she is a beautiful, sexy and desirable woman and that you will love and cherish her for the rest of your life?
If you chose to have an affair with another woman because your marriage had become boring, uninteresting and monotonous, then perhaps you have chosen the right path. Because of this one action, whether your infidelity happened only one night or over a series of months or years, you have created a situation in which your marriage will no longer be monotonous and dull.
If your wife does not immediately throw you out of the house or insist that you pack up and leave, then you will probably be experiencing a living nightmare for the next few weeks, months or even years. Sometimes the painful war-like connection remains indefinitely with nobody actually filing for divorce. Sometimes the jealousy and rage seems to peak and fall, always lurking in the background about to explode.
So, what can a reasonable man do once he has crossed the line of infidelity, his wife has discovered the truth, and he cannot turn back the clock? Here are the steps that are required without any guarantee of positive results.
• Admit your guilt and express your sincere sorrow that you have betrayed her trust.
• Express your empathy in words and actions and body language
• Show her in every way possible that you did not comprehend the enormity of what you did
• Make a continual effort in words and deeds to prove to her that you will never cross that line again
• Listen to her, over and over again, as she expresses her intense emotional pain at being betrayed
• Explain to her how your emotional insecurity led you to seek someone else's flattery and approval
• Tell her how much you need her love and you long for her tender affection and forgiveness
• Insist that you will do everything you possibly can to make the marriage work
• Encourage her to join you in marriage counseling, sex therapy or an intensive group experience
• Open your heart to her, share your fears, your emotional fragility
• Above all, listen to her, listen to her, listen to her, and listen some more
• And whether or not she joins you in counseling, seek help for your own unresolved relationship and sexual issues
Cheating happens for many reasons. When we feel misunderstood, lonely, neglected or just bored, the affections of a new person can be most appealing. But there is a reason you chose to marry your wife. If you ever loved her, and you probably still do, the cheating may have just been a pastime and you may have believed that nobody would ever know about it.
Once your secret has been revealed, you may with all your heart just want to get your marriage back to the way it was. You may miss the trust and love you had received from your wife but perhaps had taken for granted. And now, your wife or beloved betrayed partner may not be able to forgive and forget. The end result may be that you have to split up. But once you have given it your all and followed these suggestions, you may not be able to repair the damage that has been done. However, you may be wiser now and maybe finally ready to commit to a new relationship without the desire and need for infidelity.