I was recently asked by a man why his female partner just lies there in bed like a dead log during penetrative sex. In fact, this was not a new question asked of me by heterosexual men.
I recall how when I was new to sex, this was what I did — just lie there. In fact, it was what I was most comfortable with. Hence, I'm biased towards women who just lie there. This is a compilation of my own thoughts and opinions as well as of others from an informal poll I conducted through my Facebook wall.
Why She Just Lies There During Sex:
- Likes lying there
- Doesn't know what to do
- Doesn't dare to do anything beyond what's usually happening
- Trying to focus on being and staying aroused
- Trying to notice what she's feeling in her body
- Fear of pain in other positions
- Thinks she's expected to just lie there
- Remembers him telling her to just lie there (and enjoy)
- Wants her partner to take responsibility
- Tolerating what she thinks is nice for him but not nice for her
- Too lazy to do anything
- Too tired to do anything
- Thinking of work (and multiude of other things)
- Trying to relax
- Trying to be quiet
- Trying to have an orgasm
- Cannot be bothered to do anything
- Cannot be bothered to please the partner
- Does not like or enjoy sex
- Was performing duty sex
- Was actually performing pity sex
- Out of guilt/shame — i.e. if she lies there she can't be doing anything 'wrong'
- Bored of sex with partner
- Emotionally disconnected with partner
- Disassociated with her body
Can you think of any other possibilities?
The only way to really know is to communicate (and the same will go for men). Without actually communciating with your partner, everything else is anybody's guess. And we all probably know, there's really no value in second-guessing.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops, and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. Her book Love, Sex and Everything In Between is out now. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com.
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