We all want to feel emotionally connected with our partner. Emotional connection takes away loneliness and brings fun and passion into a relationship. Yet many couples, who likely felt very connected with each other at the beginning of the relationship, find themselves drifting apart — losing the in-love feelings that brought them together in the first place.
You can reconnect and revive the fun and passion in your relationship but this doesn't just happen by itself. There are specific things you need to do to heal your disconnected relationship.
1. Open up. It is likely one of the experiences that led to connecting in the first place was that you were open to one another at the beginning of your relationship. Most people are open when they first meet, because they are not yet invested in the relationship.
But as you fall in love and your fears are activated, such as the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment — fear of losing the other and fear of losing yourself — you might start to close up and protect yourself. Ironically, closing up can create the very things you fear.
In any given moment, your intent with your partner is either to be open to learning about yourself and your partner, or to protect against what you fear with some form of controlling behavior. To heal the disconnection in your relationship, you need to consistently choose to be open to learning, especially in conflict.
You cannot resolve conflict if one or both of you are closed, yet conflict is easily resolved when both of you are open to caring about your own and your partner's highest good.
Opening up means you are willing to hear each other with caring and understanding for each other's feelings and points of view, rather than arguing, defending, withdrawing or giving yourself up.
2. Take responsibility for your own feelings. When you close up and protect yourself from getting hurt, you cause yourself a lot of pain. Shutting down, getting angry, judging yourself or giving yourself up hurts you. Instead of blaming your partner for your pain, open to learning about how you are rejecting and abandoning yourself that is causing your pain.
If your partner hurts you by shutting down, getting angry, blaming or withdrawing, move into compassion for the loneliness and heartache that we all feel when someone we love disconnects from us. Instead of blaming your partner for hurting you, be very kind and caring with yourself, keeping your own heart open so that when your partner opens up again, you can reconnect.
It's very helpful, in taking loving care of your feelings, to develop a personal connection with a loving and comforting source of spiritual guidance. Being able to open to this source for love and compassion can help you keep your heart open to love. The more you are able to learn to love yourself by taking compassionate care of your own feelings, the more love you will have to share with your partner. Keep reading ...
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