- We Don't Have To Be So Body Conscious: Though many of us still are self-conscious, disdainful of excess weight or various parts of the body, we already know from life experience that the ability to attract a good sexual partner is less dependent on our body size and shape than we were led to believe. Also, there is leeway given by others because of age. It is assumed that our bodies are not in the best shape because we are older.
- We Know What Turns Us On And What Turns Us Off: By the time we pass 50, most of us have had some sexual experience. Even those of us who have not been the most adventurous have likely been exposed to a wide variety of sexual stimuli. As a result, our sexual imaginations are usually better than they were when we were younger. Most of us have had bad sexual experiences and have learned the things that make us say, "No way!" Hopefully, we have also learned our bodies well enough to know what always turns us on and is almost guaranteed to cause an explosion.
- We Find It Easier To Experiment: Most people are less worried about being judged by others by the time they reach the age of 50. Many of us have succeeded in careers or raising families or at some sport or hobby. We have gained self-esteem through our accomplishments or through mastering skills. Having gained confidence, we are able to manage failures better. Experimenting doesn't seem so daunting.
- We Are Better Communicators: In general, people become better communicators as they get older unless they are very isolated or have particular mental health problems. In the course of daily life, we are confronted by a wide variety of problems that require communication skills to resolve. Some people learn much better communication skills than others and there is certainly a lot we can do to improve our communication skills. But as a general rule, most of us communicate better in more circumstances with more types of people at 51 than we did at 20. The better we can communicate our sexual needs and desires, the better our sexual experiences will be.
- We Are Not Focused On Sex For Building A Family: Fertility has decreased for most women by this point and for some it has ceased entirely. Women have less worries about becoming pregnant and as a result relax more when having sex. Sometimes this is a mistake if a women foregoes birth control and is actually still fertile. Men also relax more sexually around women they know are no longer focused on having babies.
- If We're In Good, Long-Term Relationships, It's Easier To Try New Experiences: At the beginning of relationships, we don't know how our partner will react to us disclosing some of our less usual desires. We worry more about rejection, about being shamed and about losing our relationships. When we have been together awhile, there is a track record. We have been through some difficult life experiences together and we have a reasonable idea how supportive our partners are, when they tend to have trouble hearing us, and how to present more difficult issues in a way that will gain interest and support. If we are not in good relationships, we are better able to make use of the myriad resources to help us find them.
- We Have Less Performance Anxiety: For some, this is because they are less concerned about what others think. For others, this is because they have developed more confidence over time. We have learned to be less critical of ourselves through life experiences. Many of us have learned that lots of things that we thought were earth shattering when we were younger, are survivable and manageable and, in the scheme of life, no big deal.
- We Have Learned That Sex Does Not Look As It Does On TV, In Movies And In Pornography: Hopefully, we have learned that laughter is a part of good sex and intimacy. We have had at least one sexual experience that did not turn out as planned: a position that resulted in someone getting stuck, or using honey and sticking to each other and everything you touch, or getting caught having sex in public place. We may start out by being mortified, but often we will end up laughing. Maybe not at the time of the event, but later when we retell the story.
- We Have Learned To Take Our Time: We have learned that taking time with sex makes it so much hotter. Even when enjoying a "quickie," we take more time than we did when we were younger. Men tend to take more time to reach orgasm when they are older. Women have learned what it takes to reach orgasm and many have learned how to have multiple orgasms.
- We Have Learned That Tomorrow Is Not Promised: By the time we are over 50, we have learned that people do not live forever. I am not saying this sarcastically. When we are younger, most of us only know intellectually that people die. Many of us do not experience deaths of significant people in our childhoods. If we do, they are often the death of aged relatives and so the death is not as shocking. By the time 50 has come, most of us have experienced someone we know dying unexpectedly or someone we know becoming disabled or experiencing a life changing illness suddenly. This highlights our own mortality. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Hopefully this teaches us to seize the day and to live life to the fullest. This impacts sex as well. We are less likely to pass up a chance for an exciting and fulfilling sexual experience knowing that we may not have the opportunity again. We are more likely to be adventurous when we can.
Sex after 50 is fabulous. I wish you many fabulous years!
Dr. Lori Bisbey
Relationship Coach, Psychologist
Dr Lori Bisbey works with bright motivated couples and polyamorous groups of all ages, genders, races and sexualities who want to create long lasting passionate relationships. Anyone can create the love and intimate relationships of their dreams. If you can see it and you are committed to growth, communication and getting out into the world; you can create it! The relationships you want start with you. You can connect with Lori face to face, at a workshop/lecture, in a WebEx seminar or group, or set up a Skype chat and start your journey now!
More about sex on YourTango: