If You Want To Know Whether A Man Really Likes You Or Not, There's One Test That Never Fails
There's one simple test that cuts through the confusion and reveals how a man feels about you.
vcgcorbis | Canva Ask anyone what they most appreciate in a dating or a marriage partner, and a sense of humor is likely to come to the top of the list. But when Norm Li and I asked several hundred students in our classes what they meant by a good sense of humor, men and women gave slightly different answers.
The women were more likely to say a man has a good sense of humor when "he makes me laugh," the men were more likely to mean "someone who laughs at my jokes."
So if you want to know whether a man really likes you or not, there's one test that never fails: Does he try to make you laugh?
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Throughout the animal kingdom, males are more likely to show off (think: peacocks), whereas females are more likely to use careful comparison to evaluate the male's displays.
Why? "Reproductive events can be complex, involving collateral investments from several individuals, either simultaneously or sequentially," stated studies in Biological Sciences. These studies helped show it's because females have to invest a lot in any given offspring, while the males can often get by with a minimal investment.
In animals and nature, to attract the more selective females, males need to compete and hope to demonstrate they have better characteristics to pass on to the offspring. The story is a little more complex in humans, where men stay around and help with the offspring, but the biological price is still usually a lot higher for a woman, who must carry the fetus, give birth, and nurse the newborn, besides providing childcare.
Nevertheless, men in a mating frame of mind will show off a lot more than women.
Men will attempt to become more creative, become more frivolous, or perform risky stunts. Research in Social Psychological and Personality Science showed how some men will often go to ridiculous lengths in the interest of attracting women: "a field experiment with skateboarders demonstrated that physical risk-taking by young men increases in the presence of an attractive female."
Norm and I never published our findings because other researchers had a similar hunch and published their findings in Evolution and Human Behavior before we could. Their studies showed how women prefer [men] who produced humor for all types of relationships, whereas men preferred [women] who were receptive to their own humor."
Meanwhile, Norm and several other colleagues branched off to study the broader communication function of humor. They investigated things like:
- Does your spouse still care for you?
- Are you getting along with your boss?
- Is that date bored or excited with you?
Collectively, they found that a great gauge of someone's feelings is whether they're trying to make you laugh or if they're laughing at your jokes.
You don't need to be a stage comic, either. A 2009 study showed "humor can ultimately function as a strategy to initiate and monitor social relationships." Another study from 2023 followed up with findings that demonstrated how humor is a strategy to strengthen and maintain established relationships.
If someone really likes you, you can tell them a joke about a chicken crossing the road, and they're likely to laugh. If they don't like you, you can use the best material, and you'll hear, "I don't get it. Are you trying to be funny?"
Douglas Kenrick is a writer and a social psychology professor at Arizona State University.
