This is a common experience for 99.9 percent of the women I know and one which you may be able to relate to. The kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, everything is green light go, but when your partner starts touching your genitals, everything goes a little numb.
It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound and the sensation in your genitals is sort of… muted.
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Or, you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh crap, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long. Maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc.
And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of.
Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the sexual experience is very, very, common for women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during sex, at various times throughout each sexual encounter.
But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens.
So the question is—why is it happening and what can you do?
There are a few different reasons for disconnecting during sexual intimacy and usually one or more of these issues is at play in any given moment:
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- You are have trouble focusing and getting "out of your head."
- You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better, but are unable to communicate it verbally.
- You are worrying. (i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner is getting bored, are my thighs too fat?)
- You are trying to orgasm, straining, and trying to perform.
- You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain.
- You are afraid to really feel the pleasure because it might be over too soon.
- You feel uncomfortable with your body, the way it looks, smells and sounds.
- You feel guilty or shameful about sexual pleasure (i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy sex).
- You were sexually abused or violated in your past.
- You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship.
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