Some men aren't able to commit to a woman because they're not ready or the timing isn't right. But often, even a committed bachelor will take the plunge when he meets a woman who attracts him. These are the qualities such men are looking for:
- She's not looking to him to fill a job description. Want to know one of the biggest fears men have about relationships and commitment? That you are desperately seeking a husband — and that anyone will do. We, just like you, want to be wanted for who we are and not just for what we can give. And so the minute a man gets even a hint that you have an agenda beyond just getting to know him, he immediately shuts down and starts to feel less attracted to you. It's really tempting to think that your time is precious and that you need to find out right away whether or not a man is up for a lifelong commitment. But the danger is making this the focus of your early interactions with a man. Take your time getting to know him and letting him see that you enjoy being with him — not that he's just a means to an end.
- She shows him she's willing to walk away. When a man thinks you've centered your whole life around him and that you've already decided he's the one before you have spoken about commitment, he'll feel pressured. He'll feel pressured to live up to your expectations, and he'll also feel anxious about letting you down. He'll also wonder why you've made up your mind about him so quickly. Instead, you need to convey to a man that you are selective. Being selective means you let him know that while you like him and enjoy being with him, you are also a woman with options who is in control of what happens to her. How do you do this? By continuing to have a life outside him; nurture your hobbies, spend time with friends and family, improve your life and career. When you do this, he starts feeling lucky to have a place in your life, and he'll fight to stay there.
- His life is much better with her in it. One of the most important things I teach is how to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship with a man. And the way to do this is by creating positive experiences with him. Men can't be talked into relationships; they need to feel a deep, emotional connection before they commit to someone. In order for a man to see you as a necessary part of his life, you need to create the right kind of experiences that will spark emotional attraction in him. A positive experience is anything that you both enjoy that is, above all, fun. Fight the need to talk about the relationship, and instead turn your attention to creating great moments together. Do different things with him like playing sports along with the usual dinners and movies. Spend time in groups of friends. Read the paper together and do spontaneous things without planning. Mix it up. All of these experiences show him that you are a woman who is easy and playful to be with, and that's the kind of woman he'll realize he'd be a fool to let go of.
Understanding attraction and how it works is absolutely critical if you want to create a connected, lasting relationship with a man. To learn more about the kind of woman a great guy is attracted to for the long term, subscribe to Christian's free e-newsletter. He'll tell you what makes a guy want to commit to you, and what you can do to get him there without any convincing or game playing.
More on Commitment on YourTango: