Carin Goldstein explains how you may be enabling him to not "step it up" in your relationship.
Every couple has their own universal complaints about one another, but one of the most common complaints I hear from women is how their husband or boyfriend never does "this" or always does "that” and the woman becomes the tragic victim. A very popular example is (and yes, you can hear my own confession about my own foible in this video) "I took care of EVERYTHING" in a certain scenario, "while he just sat there and he didn't even ASK me if I needed help!"
Ladies, let me turn your attention to a word which I think is the ultimate "kryptonite" to your ability to even remotely feel happy and satisfied in your marriage. This word is called: ENABLING, which Google dictionary defines as, "Giving (someone or something) the authority or means to do something." Well, well, well...could this be you?
Are YOU giving your husband "the authority to do something" and then continuing to allow it?! If you're not quite sure, then let's get a little more specific as I list for you 5 popular ways in which you may be enabling your husband and what actions you can take instead of enabling him:
1) Planning/hosting household events: Whenever there is a major event in your house (i.e. family gathering, kid’s birthday party, dinner party, etc) you seem to take it upon yourself to be the one who takes care of EVERYTHING, and your husband simply "shows up."
SMARTER ACTION: Be an adult and don’t assume that your husband should think like you or that he is a mind reader as far as you needing help. Simply give him a list of tasks that you would like to delegate to him and if he’s the type that needs to "feel in more control" then write up a list of tasks and ask him to choose which ones he can take on (and make sure that it’s at least more than two things).
2) Caring for the kids: This almost always seems to be an issue with couples. Somehow the unspoken rule immediately becomes: The wife is in charge of the kids. Hmmmm...hello? They’re his kids too, remember? And last I checked, 2015 isn’t exactly "Little House on Prairie" as far as gender roles.
SMARTER ACTION: Delegate, delegate, delegate with what will allow him to feel successful as a parent. If your kids are school age, then there’s no reason why your husband can’t participate in taking over some of the morning rides to school. If he’s into sports, then appoint him as the "captain" of managing everything for Little League. If your husband is what I call "poop- phobic" (aka: he don’t want to be bothered with the poop) then now’s the time to break him in, where he too, is busy changing the baby’s diapers. The sky is the limit as far as what you can delegate to him and at the very least, for the sake of his relationship with your kids, he should be taking over a fair amount of responsibilities.
3) Managing the household finances/budget: If you are the one in the marriage who is alone in managing the finances, bills, etc. or if you are in the dark because your husband is in control of it all, neither is OK. Both people need to be equally knowledgeable and responsible.
SMARTER ACTION: Regardless as to whether you are in charge of the finances or in the dark, it would behoove you both to have a monthly meeting where you share up to date information about finances, bills, money, etc. If you both have shared bank accounts, than both of you should have access to the accounts whenever necessary.
4) Acting as the "honorary" host when either his or your family is visiting: This is when your husband conveniently slips into the bedroom to watch TV once extended family is over to visit while you are left to "entertain" everyone.
SMARTER ACTION: Explain to your husband that although he may not be interested in engaging in conversation with extended family, that it’s his job to be hosting with you, and that escaping to another room isn’t supportive.
5) Not feeling sexually satisfied by your husband: Allowing his "instrument" to simply be IN and OUT without taking the time to warm up YOUR oven.
SMARTER ACTION: SPEAK UP! TELL him what you need as far as sex and help him to understand what will help you to feel more sexually satisfied in the marriage. Saying nothing to him is only hurting you.
Hopefully by now, you can see that becoming the "enabler" in your relationship is the ultimate death to you wanting to ever have sex with your husband again, because YOU become "mommy" in the relationship. Come on, let's face it, who wants to have sex with your husband when you feel like his mommy... There's simply NOTHING sexy about that.