The Office wouldn’t be everyone’s guilty pleasure without Dwight Schrute.
By Lindsey Matthews — Written on Sep 17, 2020
The Office is beloved by many for its dry humor and relatability. While we all have our own favorite characters, it’s clear that the real star of the show is Dwight Schrute. He is by far the most unique person on the show, and some of the best Dwight Schrute quotes and one-liners are what make him the most quotable!
Schrute, played by Rainn Wilson, is best known for his witty banter and never-ending feuds with his deskmate Jim. His favorite things in life include martial arts, justice, and, of course, Angela Martin from accounting. He is Amish and displays his heritage when he shuns co-workers by not speaking to them.
Schrute is full of random facts and recites them constantly despite social cues.
He is quite confident and enjoys asserting his ego over everyone in the office other than Michael, whom he wishes only to impress. It is no secret that Schrute is super weird and awkward, but that’s why we all love him. The Office wouldn’t be the legendary show we can’t stop rewatching without Dwight Schrute.
To celebrate his quirkiness, here are 50 of the best Dwight Schrute quotes.
1.“I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me.”
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2. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”
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3. “D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.”
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4. “Five minutes ahead of schedule … right on schedule.”
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5. “Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, February 14th.”
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6. “PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
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7. “Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
Photo: quickmeme
8. “Who is Justice Beaver?”
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9. “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, then by a stranger on purpose.”
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10. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas."
11. “How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
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12. “Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
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13. “I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose … and a panther.”
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14. “I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential sized in England.”
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15. “Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.”
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16. “In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”
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17. “My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”
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18. “Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check out time is never.”
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19. “I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.”
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20. “Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? You obviously aren’t scared enough.”
21. “Love is all you need? False, you need water and rations.”
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22. “I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.”
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23. “You know what they say, those who can’t farm, farm celery.”
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24. “Love is in the air? False. Nitrogen, oxygen, argon, and carbon dioxide is in the air.”
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25. “All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.”
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26. “When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
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27. “Will I get over it? Mmm … No. But life goes on.”
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28. “Always the padawan, never the Jedi.”
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29. “People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”
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30. “Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
31. “Learn your rules. You better learn your rules! If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep.”
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32. “Get a friend, loser.”
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33. “I really should have a tweeter account.”
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34. “Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”
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35. “A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”
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36. “They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!”
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37. “Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.”
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38. “I signed up for a second life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same … except I could fly.”
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39. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
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40. “Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”
41. “And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.”
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42. “I am faster than 80% of all snakes.”
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43. “There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
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44. “Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.”
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45. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
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46. “Slow and steady wins the race? False. Fast always wins the race.”
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47. “People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.”
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48. “The eyes are the groin of the head."
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49. “Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”
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50. “The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.”
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Lindsey Matthews is an editorial intern who focuses on relationships, entertainment, fashion, and pop-culture.