Misunderstood Men: The Conversation NOBODY Is Having

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why men are misunderstood
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Can masculinity include vulnerability?

Social dynamics have shifted drastically over the past few decades, largely for the better. We have made amazing strides in terms of equality, acceptance (which is better than tolerance), technology, entrepreneurship, and general societal progress.

Though, one thing seems to be floundering: Our relationships. People are becoming less and less satisfied, dating is becoming more and more challenging, and we seem to have lost what it takes to build real, lasting, deep connections with each other.

Most of the conversations being had about this topic are being had among women. I speak to women every single day about their frustrations, and they also speak to each other. They support each other. They listen to each other. They advise each other. They open up to each other.

But the widely accepted opinion is that men do not do any of these things in their own circles. We think men simply bump into each other and grunt and chug their beer and beat their chests.

I’ve been told that men simply do not open up to each other about their relationship troubles. They talk about sex and cars and money and the pretty waitress who might’ve winked at them.

While this may be true in some circles, I have had a completely opposite experience lately. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some incredible men that I’ve spent a lot of time with in Los Angeles lately and, while diverse in background, they all share one similar thing:

They are frustrated, confused, and misunderstood when it comes to relationships.

Is there a reason why men are misunderstood? They are in touch with their emotions (but they’re not soft). They are caring and genuine (but not appreciated). They are unsure of how to navigate the new dating landscape that seems to push them away from their natural instincts and punish them for the crimes of others.

Every single man I’ve ever spoken to has been burned or heartbroken by a woman in some way in the past. We need to acknowledge that men have feelings, too.

This is going to piss some of you off. Ready?

Men have always been the masculine energy in a relationship. This isn’t by choice or societal construct, it’s by biological instinct as the animals that we, as humans, are. This is not an opinion or a viewpoint, it’s a biological fact of the animal kingdom.

As men, we have instincts and emotions and feelings and approaches to situations that differ from women. It’s not better or worse, it’s just different. Masculine and feminine, both with their own strengths and weaknesses.

Lately, men are feeling as though they’re not able to be, well... men. They feel as though anything they do that falls into the realm of “traditional” is going to be seen as disrespectful or sexist towards women. (Let’s operate under the assumption that these men are not disrespectful or sexist).

So, then, they are essentially made to feel as though they cannot listen to their innermost voice, and need to adjust how they approach relationships.

In doing so, they stumble, fall, fail, and become frustrated. Because they are having an internal struggle with themselves. How do I act? I want to be protective, but will that mean she feels inferior? Why must I always be the one to bend to avoid conflict? Why can’t I be accepted for who I am, too?

Men are starting to open up. I am having many real, deep, emotional conversations with guys about this. Now, think about how that sentence made you feel. Did you picture men crying into each other’s arms? Handing over their man-cards to each other while admitting to being fragile snowflakes and frolicking through fields?

If so, then that’s part of the problem. It’s part of the problem because men are made to feel that they can’t actually express their emotions without being judged by other men. We have to be manly and macho and show strength at all times.

Bullsh*t. Total, utter, absolute bullsh*t.

Do you want to know what real strength is? Real strength is being able to show all sides of yourself without fear of being judged or without being deeply hurt if you are judged. Real strength is honesty. It’s exposure. It’s risk. It’s being genuine in a world that doesn’t always seem to appreciate it.

These men are lawyers, accountants, doctors, actors, musicians, janitors, baristas — but first and foremost, they are human beings. And they are severely misunderstood by a world that groups people together based on the actions of the loudest, most brazen of their kind.

Men need to be men. They need to open the door, pull out the chair, protect you from a danger that may not even be there. They need to contribute, add value, and feel appreciated for doing so. They need to be needed, even though you don’t actually need them.

They need to be communicated with. To be loved, and listened to, and heard. They need to be able to express themselves both to each other, and to women, without being thought of as “less of a man.”

And right now, they feel like all of this is being taken away from them because society has mistaken being equal for being the same.

We can love, respect, care for, honor, value, and appreciate every single human being equally, as we should — but also still understand that we are all different. We experience the world in unique ways, particularly as men and women. If we try to make either of us be too much like the other, we will lose our identity and not only become confused about how we should approach each other, but also how we should approach ourselves.

And that’s exactly what’s happening.

So, guys, don’t be afraid to have open and honest conversations with other guys. Believe me, they are probably feeling the exact same things that you are. Keyword: Feeling.

 

This article was originally published at JamesMSama.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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