All Of The Bizarre Sex Questions You Wanted To Ask Men: Answered By Men

Some people say that the only bad questions are questions that aren't asked... and those people are spectacular optimists. At any rate, among the many, many things Reddit does, it provides people a place to get answers to the questions they're afraid to ask friends, family, and educators.

Sometimes the answers are abusive and untruthful, but when you're hiding behind a computer screen, it doesn't especially matter. However, below we answer 14 sex questions as honestly and with as little malice as possible. (Please check out part 1 and part 2 if you're a completist.)

1. When you pee, do you wipe your dicks?

No, dummy. You shake it twice so that if there's another guy at the urinal he doesn't think you're playing with it. And ideally, don't drip any tinkle on khaki or gray pants. 

2. Do you care about a girl's "number" of previous sex partners?

It depends. You'd like someone who is somewhat experienced, but when you start doing the STD mathematics you maybe don't want too much experience. There are a lot of guys (and just as many women) who tie some kind of virtue value to a woman's number and find one higher than their own to lamentably be a sign of “easiness.” 

3. Would it ever be a deal-breaker for you if your S.O. would not give blowjobs?

No. It is a pretty standard item on the sex buffet, though. Like, if you went to an older Ruby Tuesdays that still had a salad bar you'd probably be curious why they don't have iceberg lettuce. If you're not into it and he is, you'll need to be able to explain yourself and be pretty good at sex from on top. 

4. Do you genuinely like giving oral?

Yes. Two reasons: 1) we're givers/making you moan makes us feel powerful, and 2) it generally leads to superlative sex or very, very thoughtful reciprocation. 

5. How do you keep your butts clean when you have all that hair and no natural lubrication?

Rude. We also wipe front to back, take showers and aren't, you know, Sasquatches.  

6. Does telling a guy it's your first time really freak them out?

If you are 15 to 22, no. If you are older, yes. Unless you're very much into Jesus (or one of the other important gods), then we kinda get it.

7. Have you ever tried to give yourself blowjobs?

No. Very thin, flexible and weird guys have, though — roughly any guy you'd bump into at a yoga class pre-2001 was attempting to learn to do that. 

8. If a woman is really nice to you, do you assume she's into you?

I assume everyone is into me irrespective of gender or how I'm treated. It's both a great and terrible way to float through life. But yes, some guys think that strippers and waitresses and other people in customer service are really attracted to them and there is no real way to convince them otherwise. 

9. Big feet, big meat — true or not?

Men who are tall have big feet. Men who are tall generally have big dongs. There could be some correlation between large extremities but I'm sure some woman has been let down by Shaq's wang before... or torn in half.  

10. What do guys really think when a woman queefs?

We've been making toot noises behind our knees and under our armpits since we could walk. Queefs may be the funniest thing on earth. We may, however, sniff the air quizzically to make for certain the origin of the noise. 

11. Are big areolas a turn-off?

No more than pendulous testicles are to you. There are probably equally as many weirdos who fetishize it as are turned off. 

12. Is a 20-year-old virgin a turn-off?

As a 38-year-old man, a 20-year-old anything is a turn-off. However, dudes in the age range of 20 will not remotely care. You'll get really good at the sex the dude likes, which, if I recall my 20s, means some kind of rhythmic pound coupled with sloppy kisses until you figure out what kind of sex you like. 

13. Is it hard not to get feelings in FWB situations? 

Yes. Nearly impossible for one person or the other not to catch feelings at some point unless you're rotating through more than one Friend With Benefits. And it's just as likely to be the guy who breaks the cardinal rule of no strings sex and falls in love.

14. How do you feel about body hair on women?

Depends on the hair and the guy. A rule of thumb is less is better, but given the trend to be dolphin-smooth below your eyebrows, sometimes a little hair is an exotic surprise.