I Tried Taking Online Dating Selfies Like Men And What A DISASTER

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Men: You're doing it wrong.

I'm new to the world of online dating, and I went kicking and screaming into the experience (though it seems to be working out after all). So understandably, I'm a bit judgmental when it comes to what's going on in the worlds of Match, Zoosk, Bumble, eHarmony, and the like.

One thing I can't get over is how notoriously bad men's dating site profile pictures are. It's like they put zero attention and effort into trying to present their best self (although it's also a problem when they put too much focus on it), and yet they're doing nothing but assessing women's photos for "hotness" potential.

READ: How To Take Sexy-As-Hell Selfies (As Explained By Naked Barbie)

Men's photos are blurry and out of focus, as if the guys snapped the photos and posted without reviewing them.

I've also seen guys use photos from their past that were completely inappropriate: the guy on his wedding day, dancing with his wife, and another guy mugging it up in a cemetery come to mind. WTF?

I decided to have a little fun and take selfies in some of the poses I've seen men use, knowing full well if women did this, the entire online dating world would crumble.

1. The Bathroom Selfie

I'm not clear on why men suddenly remember that they need a profile pic when they're (hopefully) washing their hands in a public bathroom. Maybe they're on a bad date from a dating site and they're ready to attract someone else. I don't know. I just find the bathroom a dumb place to take a selfie. Also, they tend to try to look like gangstas in the photo, which is always super-sexy to a woman. Not.

What men think: "Man, I look good today. And the lighting in here is kickass. Baby girl will totally dig a photo of me here."

What women think: "Um, you know you don't need a mirror to take a selfie, right? And. what's that in the toilet behind you?"

2. The Mid-Workout Photo

I'm to the point where if a guy is at the gym taking a selfie, I run away. Women like the art of subtlety, dudes. We like you to have a good body, but you don't have to be wearing a Gold's Gym tank and pumping iron to prove it. Leave a little something to the imagination.

What men think: "Woo! I'm bench pressing 300. Chicks will be all over that. And they like sweaty guys, right?"

What women think: "When's the last time a woman hit on you while you were working out? Ew. Come back with some clothes on after you've showered."

3. The Creepy-While-Driving Pic

Why is it that 99 percent of guys suddenly think about taking a selfie while in the driver's seat (or the passenger's seat, which may speak to whether they like to be in control or controlled)? I would much rather you keep your eyes on the road, mister. And their faces are always either gangsta or derpy (that's my kid's word for dumb).

What men think: "Hey, chicks like guys who can drive. I can drive! And I'll give her my best smile!"

What women think: "Keep your eyes on the road, dude. I'm swiping left."

4. The Animals Love Me Shot

When I saw the first few photos of guys with dogs, I was all "aww." But then it became an epidemic. Hell, sometimes it was just a shot of the dog with no guy. Yes, we like a guy who loves animals, but let's not go overboard, mmkay?

What men think: "Chicks love a sensitive man. Dogs make me look sensitive. Come here, Butch, and take a selfie with me!"

What women think: "Dogs eat cat poop. We are not impressed."

5. The Nothing-to-Do-With-My-Face Shot

Oh, this is such a pet peeve: guys who refuse to put their photo on dating sites. As if we will see a photo of Darth Vader in their place and decide to fall for them based on their deep knowledge of Star Wars. Double standard, dudes. You're not reading our profiles first; you're looking at our hot pics. I've seen photos of bacon, cars, motorcycles (because chicks dig 'em), and sunsets. C'mon, guys! 

What men think: "I want a woman to want me for me, not my (questionable) hotness."

What women think: "What are you hiding?"

6. The I'm-Sexy-in-Bed Pic

I don't get this one. I guess we're supposed to see a blurry shot of a guy in bed and be reminded of how horny we are and ready to jump in there with him. Weird.

What men think: "Bed equals sex. I'll take a photo that makes her think of sex! Genius!"

What women think: "What are those stains on your sheets?"

7. The Group Shot

I hate seeing photos of large groups of people where I have to figure out which one is the guy whose profile I'm looking at. It's deliberately devious. Why do they want to hide in a crowd?

What men think: "Maybe if I surround myself by my DUFFs, I'll look better."

What women think: "Who's your cute friend?"

I actually posted these photos on my dating profile to get feedback from guys. The results? Crickets. Seriously, not one person responded. Seems while guys aren't overly concerned about making themselves look good for their own online dating profiles, they're pretty picky about how a woman presents herself there. Duly noted.

Listen up guys: if you want to get more hits on online dating sites, step up your photo game. There's a cool function called the flash that will keep your photos from being blurry and craptastic. Or, I don't know, ask a female friend to advise.

And guess what? You can take a million photos and choose the best one. It's not a one-shot thing. But having your profile viewed? Yeah, that's a one-shot thing because if your photos show a lack of imagination (and reeks of creepy, narcissistic serial killer), we will be swiping left and moving on to the guy who actually put some effort into his photos.

 

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