Time to make the donuts.
"I feel like our whole relationship has become about me eating a donut off of your penis."
Because he knows me pretty well, my boyfriend was not remotely insulted when I said the words above.
He knew what I meant.
For months (months!) I have been talking about trying out this Cosmo sex challenge on him. And because he's a dude, the idea of me playing with his penis in a new and potentially exciting way appealed to him.
But for some reason, we just couldn't get it done.
We would buy the donut and plan to go ahead and do our hot, sticky sex. And then the day would escape us and we'd forget.
Or we'd buy the donut, decide we felt snackish, eat the donut and then just enjoy regular, sugar-free sex.
He tried to get me to do it on a camping trip, but it was too cold.
We were both disappointed.
But my boyfriend would not be swayed from his duty.
But then it finally happened.
I had given up dreaming of fellating his penis with the help of a donut when he pointed out a Dunkin Donuts we passed on our evening walk.
We went inside and I ordered my dick donut.
"Could we also get a Boston Creme?"
"I am not eating a Boston Creme donut off your penis, Buddy."
"It's my after-sex donut treat! A Boston Creme donut is the Fleshlight of the donut world!"
He was not wrong, so I did not argue.
That night, after enjoying a delicious meal of Indian food and several episodes of The Walking Dead, I heaved a heavy sigh.
"I'm going to eat this donut off your penis now," I said.
Once he was properly aroused, it was time to place the donut on his penis.
"Do you need lube?" I asked as he struggled.
Thankfully, it was too late, which was kind of good because let's be real, eating a donut covered in lube sounds like a form of torture.
"That actually really kind of hurt," remarked Rob.
The donut made it just over the head of his penis where it sat at a jaunty angle, like a sombrero on a drunken Real Housewife.
I am excellent at dirty talk.
I took one bite of the donut.
"I have just realized something," I said, still chewing. "I do not like mixing food and sex and I'm terrified I will accidentally bite your penis."
We decided that I would not have to eat the WHOLE donut, but rather, just enough bites for it to fall off his dick.
When it was done, I did the proper thing and let the man whose penis was covered in sugar have the first shower.
"Who do you think does this and finds it sexy?" I asked.
"Probably the same people who think it's bold to have sex with the lights on."
He had a point.
Our task finally met, we snuggled and returned to watching zombies get their brains demolished while the remainder of the dick donut mocked me from atop my jewelry box.