(But btw: If you're thinking of cheating, you're a scumbag.)
Cheating is not something that I’d ever advise, primarily because only total pricks cheat. That being said, there are ways to limit the chance of being caught, having fallout, and also dealing with the ramifications of your actions.
And if you’re at the point where you can’t leave but you’re ready to explore other options, using these tactics might be able to help you avoid the fact that you’re lying to someone who cares about you. Here's how to cheat and not get caught.
1. Really think about this before you do it.
How would you deal with the fallout? Is cheating really worth losing your spouse? Can you sleep with yourself knowing what you did? Have you tried to smooth things out with them or talked to them about how you feel? Why can’t you leave? (And don’t just say “for the kids” if you can’t leave.)
2. Understand how you would feel if you were in your partner’s position.
How would you feel if you found out your partner was sleeping around? Be honest with yourself. You wouldn’t be alright with it, would you? If you don’t think you could handle what you’re about to dish, don’t do it. Your guilt WILL show through.
3. If you decide to go through with it, you still need to keep up your regular routine at home.
4. Start browsing bars or similar pickup zones for an affair partner.
Here’s the thing about having an affair that most people get wrong these days: you can’t use the internet to find someone. Computers and phones are too easy to snoop through. Even Ashley Madison got hacked. Keep it eyes and ears only.
5. Choose a partner who you know won’t interfere with your status quo.
If you are looking to avoid getting caught or avoid drama, 90 percent of your ability to succeed is going to be based on the partner you choose. After all, if they know you’re taken, they can easily track down your partner and tell them you’re a jackass. And then, you’d probably lose your main piece. A good option would be a married housewife, an escort, or a f*ckboy.
6. Screen them for emotional stability.
Here’s the thing: being the other woman or man can result in stabby behavior with the wrong person. You want to make sure that they won’t stab you if they find out you’re not looking to change your situation, and you need to make sure they don’t get too clingy.
7. Don't sh*t where you eat.
You already should know you're on thin ice. Don't bring them anywhere that you might run into people who know you, and above all, NEVER bring them into your home. This is how neighbors start to talk, and how spouses walk in on you with someone.
8. Get them on your side.
Go ahead and give them the worst sob story you can come up with. Make sure they know you're taken and that you don't want to rock the boat too much. Tell them how he hits you or how she’s “making you stay for the kids.” You want them to want to “help you out,” so if you do get caught, they’ll stick up for you.
9. Take up extra jobs or gigs that will get you the cash you need for dates.
You can probably start doing Uber or side sales to get money. Remember, you still have to bring a baseline salary home, otherwise, she’ll be really suspicious.
10. If you want to play it safe, have each fling be a "one and done" deal.
In other words, a safe way to go about things is to focus in on one-night stands. This makes it harder for people to figure out if you're really cheating or not.
11. Use a condom.
12. Use an alias when you're out hitting on people.
This can help you avoid bigger problems and also help you throw people who might get clingy off your trail.
13. Have a jump phone.
Jump phones are cheap “throwaway” phones you use to have affairs with. This prevents her from looking at your phone statements and realizing you’re a cheating assh*le.
14. When going on dates, keep thing cheap and don’t leave a paper trail.
If you’re using a hotel room, book it under your lover’s credit card or open a card specifically for these purposes that your wife doesn’t know about. You don’t want any weird statements showing up on your credit card.
15. If you catch feelings, bail on the “other.”
They know what this is, and they should understand. In your actions, you’ve already made it abundantly clear that you’re selfish to the point that you don’t give a sh*t about how others get hurt by your actions. So, it’s not a big loss for them.
16. Understand that you can still get caught, even if you do things perfectly.
And that means that you may lose your wife, your livelihood, and your reputation. If you do get caught, you need to admit to it. You, at the very least, owe it to your spouse to admit it all if they confront you.