Emojibator: I Stuck The Vibrating Eggplant Emoji Up My Vag And...

The mighty eggplant. Once known primarily for the deliciousness that is eggplant parm, the eggplant is now known for a being the universal symbol for a penis. Nothing like a few eggplant emojis and some water drops to get the sexting party started, amirite? I don't know about you but I can never look at another eggplant parm the same again.

Having said that, I have never had the desire to stick this giant purple vegetable in my vag. But then again, I had never seen the Emojibator before.

Quite literally it's a vibrator shaped like the eggplant emoji. I'm never one to turn down a free vibrator (or free anything for that matter), so when our lovely editor suggested that I try one out courtesy of the good folks at Emojibator, I immediately said yes.

Photo: Emojibator

When the package (I'm giggling as I write this, and yes I'm that simple) arrived, I eagerly tore it open if for nothing else than to see what this thing actually looked like in person. I'm not going to lie, I was surprised. It was... smaller than I thought. Shorter and thinner. In case you're wondering, it's approximately 5 inches. (Or 4.88 x 1.22 to be exact.)

Unless, of course, the vibe in question is not phallic-shaped (like the Crave or the Limon) and is as more about rocking your clitoris's world, then size doesn't matter. But if it's meant to be inserted? Well, call me kooks but I don't get the point of a small one.

Giphy

Now, there's nothing wrong with penises of all shapes and sizes. But penises are not the same as vibrators. For one thing, they're not attached to humans. A human man comes with other endearing qualities that, when taken as a whole, far surpass the size of his dong.

A human can do all sorts of other things to knock your socks off. Vibrators, on the other hand, do not possess such qualities or abilities. And as far as I know, you can't date them. Hence, I expect vibrators to be on the larger side. Besides, I'm American, damnit! I expect everything to be big — from French fries to cars to Santa Claus.

If I decide to indulge in my once a year pilgrimage to Cheesecake Factory, I'm not getting the low carb kind. I want the salted caramel. So I want my vibrators somewhere in the range of Tommy Lee to Jon Hamm size.

Anywhoozle (as my friend Amy Schumer likes to say), enough about penis size and cheesecake.

I turned on my Emojibator and wasn't sure what to do. Most vibrators have all kinds of technological advances aimed at treating your clitoris like the Queen Bee she is. But not the Emojibator. It was literally just a vibrating eggplant.

Wikia

It wasn't big enough to hit the elusive G-spot and it didn't offer any sort of specific clitoral stimulation. So like the time I encountered a penis the width of a soda can, I thought, "What on earth do I do with this?" (P.S. Try getting something like that in your mouth. You basically need to be have a detachable jaw. No thank you.)

I carried on with my experiment in the hopes that I would get something out of it. I turned my little eggplant on to the first setting and let it do its thing. Except, it wasn't actually doing anything. Don't get me wrong; it was vibrating... I just wasn't feeling it.

Photo: Emojibator

There's a reason clitoral stimulator parts of a vibrator are small. The Emojibator was too big to actually get properly in there, yet too small to use inside. I felt like the Goldilocks of vibrators: I tried experimenting with the other settings (it has ten) but to no avail.

I sort of fiddled around with it in the way that I might fiddle around with a new hand mixer. Several minutes later, when I realized I had started to think about what I had to buy from the grocery store later than day, I realized the jig was up. Nobody was coming or going in this situation.

I sighed, giving up and shoving it in a drawer. Emojibator, I deduced, was best suited for things like gag gifts, bachelorette parties, vibrator novices, and secret Santas. (In SUPER-casual offices, of course.)

If you work in corporate America, I'd highly advise not getting this for your secret Santa. But I'll give Emojibator this: he's really cute.