Conquer your fears and get EXACTLY what you want in bed.
Like many women, dirty talk has never been something that's come naturally to me.
I'd be in bed with my man and the thoughts would cross my mind, sure. But getting those thoughts to take the mind-numbingly complex route from my brain through my neural circuitry through my throat then out of my mouth and into his ear? Are you kidding me?
I don't know how on Earth that knot in my stomach could possibly affect my vocal chords so powerfully, but it most certainly did — and, to an extent, it still does.
I knew, though, that hearing HIS sexiest thoughts whispered in my ear was a sure-fire turn on. The combination of his hot breath on my neck and ear, his smell filling the air, and the intensity of his masculine voice telling my exactly what he wanted is a one-way ticket to orgasm-ville. No exaggeration. At all.
When I would think about it after, I would feel disappointed in myself for staying so quiet about my own expressions of desire, for several reasons.
Not speaking up meant that:
- I didn't always get my physical needs or wants met. Clichés become cliché for a reason — they're generally true. And the truth is, you can't expect anyone to be a mind-reader. (That said, if you're lucky enough to be dating a mind-reader, you can either stop reading now or just keep going for fun. Your call.).
- I repeatedly prevented myself from diving in and unselfconsciously enjoying every delicious possibility to the fullest.
- I denied both myself AND my partner a super hot experience we both wanted to share.
- I continually reaffirmed meaningless cultural messages that sex is dirty and being "slutty" is shameful, even though I in no way believe either of those concepts to be rational or true.
It wasn't until my late 30s that I learned how to let go and let the dirty talk fly freely.
Or at least, fly more freely than I had let it before.
I am still a human being, and we humans of all genders have a precarious relationship with our perceptions of vulnerability, no matter how strong we are or work to become.
I made a conscious decision that I was going to stop cock-blocking my own sexiest thoughts. This wasn't easy, and I still find myself sometimes pausing before I set the words free — by text on the phone or in person.
I can tell you one thing that has been an absolute truth, however. I've NEVER regretted a single word once I've forced it out of my mouth, and I've NEVER received a single negative reaction from the man those words were directed to. NEVER.
I get that being a self-starter in this undertaking is far easier said than done.
I could toss you all the lists of dirty words and sexy phrases in the universe, but unless this is something you WANT to explore, and unless you take you time to test the waters, all I would be doing would be reverse slut-shaming you — as though I were saying to you, "Silly girl. Real women talk dirty. What's the big deal? What are you scared? Ashamed? Chicken whiner baby!"
There's no reason to rush anyone into anything, ever. So instead ...
Here's my 5-step plan to take your dirtiest thoughts out of your head and into your bedroom in your own sweet time:
There's no point to using dirty words just for the sake of it. The point is to use words and phrases and ideas that turn you on. In order to do that, you have to know which ideas, phrases and thoughts do that for you. I'm not saying you're not smart enough to know, but a common pitfall of sexual shame in our society is that women will often suppress their arousal when they think it is "wrong."
A super safe start is to find some erotica online and dig in. As you read, pay attention to your body's natural reactions. Whether or not your brain will allow you in on the words you find sexiest, your lady parts are certain to make your true sexual feelings well known.
There are so many articles out there suggesting that couples watch porn together. Great if you're into it, but honestly, that can be a little intimidating, and again, right now we're figuring out what words and sounds make your engine purr.
There are so many free and safe erotic sites out there now, there is sure to be one that fits both your level of comfort and personal sexual tastes. Try watching some clips, even super briefly, of different actresses and different sexual styles. Some women like the sound of demanding their man "fuck me like you mean it, bitch." Some prefer gentle moans combined with soft whispers to "touch me here, please."
Dirty talk doesn't even have to include dirty words. Again, the most important component is figuring out feels sexy and right for YOU.
The best thing about sexting, IMHO, is the ability to edit before you hit send. If you're still feeling nervous, you can start by asking your man to tell you something he'd like to try in bed later that he's never mentioned to you before. If the idea he sends over piques your interest tell him so. Even something as simple as, "Mmmmm, that sounds fun," accomplishes two great things at once: A) He feels like a KING for hitting your hot spot, and B) You just sent your first sext! It's really that simple!
Take the conversation at the pace that feels right for you. You can close with a flirty, "Hmm ... we should explore more about that later," or keep it going by asking for details or adding ideas of your own. Either way, the game is now on!
Sometimes it feel safer to start saying the actual words out loud when you're not in the same room. Even if you are married or living together, there is going to be a time you are in different places around bedtime, and will naturally call to say your goodnights.
Same as when sexting, your degree of sexy will vary with your comfort level. Let him know you wish he were there. Then, if he were, what you wish you and he were doing together. If that's too much, ask him what he'd like the two of you to be doing instead. If you're ready to amp it up, leading him know you're touching yourself while you think about him — then progress to exactly what you are touching, what you are thinking and how it all feels.
You get the picture, and he will too!
By now, expressing yourself should be coming more naturally. You're sure to have experienced him responding quite favorably to your first dabbles, so if you find yourself balking, remind yourself just how hot each sext and call made you BOTH.
If you still feel a little giggly or even squeamish at the thought of whispering (or shouting) your sexiest thoughts in his presence, as silky blindfold it a fantastic way to lower your inhibition level. Wear one yourself if you're nervous about seeing his reaction, or put one on him if you're nervous about him watching yours.
Once you get started, it will become more and more natural for you both. Take your time, relax, and most of all, have fun going with what feels right and always know you can stop if it ever feels wrong.