Make America squirm again.
We’ve all known for months now that that the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election is going to go down in history as the WEIRDEST election in American history. But the candidates (and their followers) keep raising the crazy bar every single day, which is why it should surprise NO ONE that Donald Trump erotic fan-fiction is officially a thing now.
Celebrity-focused sex stories are a staple of the literotica scene, so it’s really not unusual to think that such a popular public figure would have his own sex fiction. But it’s still more than a little disturbing to read the graphic encounters of the GOP candidate that routinely reference his orange skin, wild hair, and penchant for calling things “HUUGE.” (You can imagine what that’s referring to.)
If you want to dip your toe into the unsettling, kind-of hilarious world of Donald Trump sex fiction, here are five insane examples of the kind of imaginary, Trump-rotic sexual adventures that people are actually writing about on the Internet. (Don’t read any of these at work or in front of anyone whose respect you value.)
This is the best-known example of Trump erotica. Earlier this year, comedian Elijah Daniel declared on Twitter that he was going to get drunk and write a gay sex novel, in the style of 50 Shades of Grey, all about Donald Trump. The result was Trump Temptation: The Billionaire and The Bellboy, an ebook that became wildly popular on Amazon and attracted a ton of media attention.
The story follows a young bellboy’s fascination with (and eventual seduction by) Trump at one of the billionaire’s hotels in Hong Kong and contains passages like this:
"I had to admit it, I wanted his geriatric 2006 Perez Hilton jello body, and I wanted it bad. But before long we had a new problem, my lustful thoughts had awoken the purple-headed yogurt slinger in my pants. This walk was getting real… hard, real fast."
Probably the most mainstream Trump sex fiction out there (and probably the funniest too).
The fan-fiction site, Archive of Our Own, has a “HUUUGE” selection of Trump-related fiction — much of it toes the line between legitimate erotica and flat-out satire. This weird entry in the Trump canon involves Trump inviting Sarah Palin to a secret cabin in the Alaskan woods to meet with him and Vladimir Putin. Trump wants to ask Palin to be his vice-president, but Palin has one condition — and it involves her strap-on. (Putin is totally into it. Trump is not.) Here’s what you’re in for:
Trump looked up, and found himself speechless for a rare moment.
Palin leaned against the doorway, wearing nothing but army boots and a large novelty strap-on. The strap-on was orange. It was shaped like a cartoon caricature of a person. It was shaped like Donald Trump.
"Do you boys like country music?" Palin asked with a smug smile, glancing back and forth between the two drop-jawed men.
This is one is particularly insane, albeit more romantic than flat-out erotic. Trump creates a portal to the Star Wars universe (you heard me), so he can learn the Jedi/Sith mind-control techniques that will help him secure the election. But, the Donald quickly forms a tender bond with Supreme Leader Snoke from The Force Awakens (much to the jealous chagrin of Kylo Ren), and, after a night of karaoke (not kidding), Trump and Snoke finally take things to the next level. THIS is what fan-fiction should be.
Snoke stood waiting outside Trump’s room door as Trump stepped in. Donald felt like he ought to say something to thank Snoke for the evening but he found himself doing something very different.
“You should come in,” Donald suggested. Snoke’s eyes widened and checked around for any onlookers.
“Are you sure Trump? If I do I may find myself doing something I might regret,” Snoke spoke in a serious tone.
“I’m sure,” Donald’s voice cracked and he grabbed a hold of Snoke’s wrinkled hand. “Come in,” He bit his bottom lip and ruffled his yellow hair. “I have a lot to show you.”
This one is pretty graphic. Bernie Sanders is in his office, working late, when suddenly Trump shows up, determined to make Bernie… um… “feel the bern.” We should all be ashamed that this exists.
Sanders bolts to his feet, "Out!" He yells, not expecting Trump’s next move.
Donald comes around the desk, bending Bernie over his desk. Donald rubs his groin against Bernie's ass. Sanders has no voice, he can't even yelp as Trump grabs his hardening length through his pants.
"You want this, old man." Trump shoves his lips onto Sanders'. Donald pushes his tongue into the other’s mouth and violates every inch of the elder's mouth.
While the previous story will make you feel bad for Bernie, this one will almost make you cry for poor, impotent Jeb Bush. (The story is scathingly titled “Please Clap.”) The premise is simple — Trump instructs Jeb to meet him at a secret apartment, which leads to a night of humiliation, rough sex, and Trump threatening to bend Jeb over his podium.
It’s not always easy to feel sympathy for children of the Bush dynasty, but this might do it…
Trump made a sound of satisfaction, hand already down his silk boxers. Jeb could see the fabric move as Donald touched himself. God help him, it was hot.
Donald pulled him by the collar of his button-up shirt towards the bedroom, shoving him towards the California king bed. Jeb was used to the rough treatment by now, and only worked to pull his shirt off over his head. He pulled his belt off, tossing it to the ground. His hands froze on his zipper when Donald said “Stop. First, you’re gonna listen to what I have planned for my inauguration.”