When women go crazy, it's not always our fault. We've been blinded by penis.
It's called being Dickmitized and it's worse than being hypnotized, because at least with hypnosis you will eventually snap out of it. When you're Dickmitized, you don't realize it until it's much too late. Nothing short of death or relocating to a new country can break the connection, and you know because you've tried everything including voodoo.
Why can't you let go of this man who has captivated you with his penis? Scientists have been baffled by this question for centuries. There is no known cure, and all we can offer are signs and symptoms to look out for.
1. You see his name on the caller ID and your vagina begins throbbing automatically.
You know the feeling I'm talking about. It feels like your p*ssy is doing kegels on its own whenever he crosses your mind. His dick is the devil and as much as you try to ignore it, it calls to you like a slice of chocolate cake when you are on a diet.
2. You want some, and you're thinking about it at the dentist, during parent/teacher conferences, and even at church.
3. You feel empty when his dick is not inside of you.
You may find yourself crying out to God for help when the craving is just too strong to battle alone. You need him inside you to feel normal again. Until you get some, you become an angry bitch and you don't give a damn.
4. You curse him out and tell him to never call you again, but then you text him on Friday night at 11: WYD?
5. You're breaking all of the strong girl rules and you don't care.
You beg him to come over. You buy him gifts and pay for food. You don't know where he works, or if you do you don't care. You have no shame in calling him up and asking for his company, because you know that when he climbs into bed with you, that crygasm will have you higher than a kite.
6. You don't mind if he has a girlfriend.
You're the woman on the side and you're perfectly fine with that. Yeah, you laugh at other women who fall into this category, but in this case it doesn't matter. He's worth it — every inch, every pump and every squirt. You're not in love with him. It's the meat.
7. You dismiss all of the standards you set for your relationships.
You require a man to have A, B, C and D before they can even get a moment alone with you. He only has D, but that's good enough in your book. You're not marrying him! You have to remind yourself of this every single day. You know he ain't sh*t, but damn that! You have to get your fix tonight.
8. He tells you he doesn't have a condom and you shrug.
No condom, no problem. He says his pull out game is strong but you don't need proof. You already have the Plan B pill in your nightstand. Let's do this.
9. He's trying to tell you a serious story...
And all you can think about is how you're going to f*ck the sh*t out of him as soon as he finishes pouring his heart out. Aunts die. It happens all the time. But you try your best to look sympathetic and hope he doesn't notice the way you've been pressing your legs together under the table.
Just let him talk for 10 more minutes. Nod and place your hand over his. Drive him back to your place and tell him you want to be there for him. You'll be there alright... all over that dick.
10. Nothing but death can keep you from him.
Your new guy is everything your mother always wanted for you. He gives amazing head. He loves you. He has a smile that lights up the room. But he's no match for "Mr. Dickmitize My Life." You will walk arm-in-arm with your new guy through any mall, but your kitty belongs to Daddy Long Stroke.
11. He's an assh*le, but you consider getting pregnant anyway because you want to be connected to him for the rest of your life.
This motherf*cker doesn't listen. He's all wrong for where you're headed in life and you're angry at yourself for even entertaining him. Every time you see his face, you know in your heart you're settling, but you'll kill him dead before you let him leave you.
12. You have to convince yourself that he's not worth going to jail over.
He hasn't called when he said he would. You're sitting in your bedroom, freshly shaved, waxed, plucked, moisturized and waiting. You think about the fact that you know where he lives, you know where he works, and you know where he hangs out. You have a full tank of gas and a brick. You have to talk yourself into staying at home.
He isn't worth it, girl. He isn't worth it.