I need one man to show me he's in for something long lasting and real.
It's been a long time since I've felt real love in my life. So long, in fact, that I question if I've ever truly loved anyone the way I long to love someone now. I've been single now going on five years and my dating adventures, while sometimes entertaining, have mostly been an infinity of disappointments that leave me constantly questioning what I ever did to deserve such a challenging time in my life.
I've gone on more first dates than I can keep track of. I've been ghosted more times than I care to admit. I've been an unknowing side chick, used for nothing but an object of pleasure, and I've received so many unwanted dick pics that I could literally start a museum if I had kept them all.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to live happily ever after, that maybe it's just not in the cards for me.
It's not that I don't believe in love anymore; my hope is still alive and well. It's just that so far, no man has given me the same kindness, fairness and courtesy that I've given them.
I've been laced into a dating circus I never signed up for. I'm competing in a world where women are cataloged by their profile pictures and a write-up that documents a small fragment of who they truly are. I'm competing against more competition than any generations before me ever had to encounter.
I'm trying to find love in a hookup culture where f*cking and leaving before midnight is considered the perfect night, and many more just like it with someone new to follow in quick succession.
I want to love and be loved, but before that can happen I need one man who shows me something different than what I've been met with. I need one man to show me he's been worth all this painful debauchery. I need one man to show me he's in for something long lasting and real.
I'm exhausted from all the nonsense and I'm just ready to find that ONE man who can finally prove to me they're not all the same.
I want the kind of man who calls when he says he will and makes good on his promises. I'm so used to hearing the talk and never participating in the walk itself. I'd like a man to follow through with his word, and when he talks about the future with me he truly means it.
I want the kind of man who can't wait to know all of the deepest and best kept secrets about me. I want the man who stays up and talks to me until midnight, and not the one who only calls me after last call to try and get in my front door.
I want the kind of man who gets to know every multi-faceted layer that blankets my soul. I want more than just the physical excitement — I want emotional excitement, too.
I want the kind of man who shows up unannounced just because he misses me. He shouldn't be afraid to knock on my front door, because he's the man who's showing me enough respect that he's always welcome and he knows it. I don't need flowers, long stem candles or a white picket fence — I just need someone who's as excited to be in my life as I am to be in his, no matter what we're doing or where life takes us.
I want the man who respects my boundaries and shows me he's more concerned with knowing who I am than what I look like with or without clothes on. I need the man who will be patient and understanding when and if I want to wait to have sex to make sure he's hanging around for all the right reasons: to grow, explore and hopefully feel a forever kind of love with me.
For every tear I've ever shed, I want to replace the memory with laughter and smiles from a new memory that wipes my emotional state clean. I don't need someone to fix me or to be the source of my happiness but I do need someone who cares to make me feel amazing, not just because I've been hurt before but because I deserve it.
For every time I've been ghosted, I want a man who will never leave unannounced because he makes it clear he's found happiness with me. He won't need to hold on to his wandering thumb and continue swiping on "what if's," because the present with me is stronger than any 'could be.'
If such man no longer exists, then I'll accept my fate and throw in the towel completely. But I know he's out there somewhere. He has to be.
As much as our dating culture has been warped into a frenzy of fast and meaningless connection, I'm still holding out for the real deal. I can't say I'm excited to experience more assh*les but if I have to in order to finally land on the one who will prove them all wrong, I'll happily brave and prepare my heart for more storms, hopeful that this time is finally the right time.
Even if it takes another five years, I can only hold on to the hope that he's out there and that someday he'll finally show me exactly why he was worth the wait, and that men really aren't all the same.