Real People Share The Objects They Masturbate With And … Um…. YIKES

Surprised cat
Contributor
Self, Sex

We are IN NO WAY suggesting anything.

"To each their own."

That’s pretty much what I kept thinking while reading some of the craziest masturbation sex stories on My Masturbation.com, a website solely dedicated to different self lovin’ stories, fantasies, and re-enactments.

We’re not judging here, people, just saying … people enjoy some weird sh*t.

But, hey, whatever floats your boat.

And since it’s all anonymous and shared publicly, there’s nothing wrong with us getting a few laughs from it, right?

So here are some of the most insane masturbation sex stories we can find!

WARNING: USING ANY OF THE MATERIALS MENTIONED BELOW CAN BE DANGEROUS.,

Hot dogs?!!

Sounds delicious — until you realize they’re being shoved into vaginas …

  • “I take a hot dog and heat it in the microwave (for only 5 or so seconds.) It's nice and hot. Then I usually lay down on my back, sliding the hot dog in and out of my vagina. It's great!”
  • “I like to masturbate by first twisting my nipples for about two minutes. Then I take a raw hot dog and wiggle it on my clitoris until pressure builds. Then I start to shove it in my vagina. It feels wondrous.”
  • “Take a hot dog wiener and put it in the microwave for about 20 to 40 seconds, depending on how warm you want it. Then take the warm wiener and rub your clitoris with it. Then go back and forth rubbing and putting it in your vagina. The warmth of the hot dog makes me go wild.”

You do your hair with that?

I get it, a curling iron is long and hard … like a penis. The problem I’m having here is: You stick this in your vagina and then do your hair with it?

  • “I stick my biggest curling iron up my vagina and ride it while stroking my clitoris until I orgasm. Make sure the iron is OFF or it could get pretty messy. After ... keep riding it and you'll get the most fantastic aftershocks.”
  • “I plug in an oversized curling iron into the outlet and let it warm up, but DON'T GET IT TOO HOT! When you get it warm, unplug it, lie down, push it in and out and rub it on your clitoris too. It's so wonderful!”

Minty fresh!

I’m pretty sure this is why they invented fire and ice condoms (and other products where you don’t have to use VapoRub and Halls cough drops.)

  • “I like to take a cream which has menthol in it (Vicks, Deep Relief etc.) I rub it into my hands and then wash most of it off. In the bath, I use a moisturizing soap and slip it inside me giving me something to grip on. I then feed the rest of the cream just inside me and gently massaging it into my clitoris. The cool feeling along with the warm water is … simply incredible and brings the weirdest of orgasms … try it, but be careful with which cream you use."
  • “I love to take a cough drop (my favorite is Halls Cool Ice) and stick it inside my vagina for an incredible feeling. Because your vagina has the same mucus membranes as the inside of your mouth, it'll respond with the cool, tingly feeling that'll get your juices flowing.”

B.I.N.G.O.

I’m pretty sure a bingo dauber is those huge pens they use during bingo games. … Anyone else a little confused here?

  • “My favorite way to masturbate is with the head of a bingo dauber and my fingers. I wet my clitoris and vagina with lotion, unscented, and then I slowly rub with my right middle finger back and forth. Then I stick the bingo dauber head in. When I'm about to orgasm I rub and stick faster and faster and start rubbing up and down until I orgasm. It helps me to imagine another girl.”

Tennis shoes?

This is a little too weird for me to even comment on …

  • “I like to take my tennis shoes, put them one on top of another and rub my clitoris hard against them in a fast circular motion. It gives a quick and breathtaking orgasm.”

Bread! Because who doesn’t love bread!

If people are doing this and writing about it on the internet, I’m a little concerned as to what my overly sexual friends do when they host dinner parties …

  • “I enjoy masturbating with a nice French roll. Open up the French roll then add any type of lubricant you can think of! Fold the roll around your [penis] and hump away.”
  • “I took half a loaf of bread, making a hole just the diameter of my penis and putting a plastic bag inside the hole and then wrapping it round the half-loaf. I took this to bed with me and it served as an excellent mock vagina. After coming I left the sperm-filled bread by the side of the bed and in the morning masturbated with it again, the previous night’s sperm acting as an arousing lubricant.”
  • “Once, I was kneading dough in the kitchen and I got an erection and soon realized that it was going to end in masturbation. The soft, rubbery feel of the dough gave me an idea. I made a hole in it, put in some olive oil and then took out my penis and inserted it in this culinary vagina.The sensation was fabulous! I pulled it out and pushed it in, backwards and forwards, until I could feel myself orgasm."

Up, Up, and Away with Balloons!

All I kept thinking while reading these balloon stores was, “please make it pop” #sorrynotsorry!

  • “I take a cup from my kitchen, and I go to my mom's room -- when she's not there. I then take my pic of Britney Spears. I take a balloon, fill it up most of the way with water. I then place the balloon in the big cup and make sure it's a tight fit. I then rub my d**k with lube (vegetable oil) and put it in the balloon. After, I wash the balloon and do it again!"
  • “I like to masturbate with latex balloons. First you get either a 16"" or 20"" latex balloon. Inflate the balloon till full size, then sit on the balloon. I usually apply lube to my penis to prevent friction, then use your body and push the penis against the skin of the balloon. Push back and forth in a smooth even tempo until you reach your climax.”
  • “Use a normal party (latex) balloon and pump it up to about 16 inches. I love to use it, because it has a sexy shape and soft latex feel, especially after a few rounds of using it. I then apply Johnson Baby Powder over it to make it silky smooth baby skin soft. It smells nice and sexy. Place the balloon on the bed and start rubbing against it with your penis. Slide slowly back and forth on the balloon.The soft slippery latex balloon against my penis and the smell of the powder on the balloon and the balloon making noise, drives me crazy. When I do eventually orgasm, it's mind-blowing. Practice make perfect!”
Author
Contributor