If You Haven't Heard Of Erotic Integrity, You Are MISSING OUT

Being true to yourself sexually is about being in integrity with your eroticism. It's about knowing who you truly are as a sexual being, embracing it, and living it authentically. It's called Erotic Integrity.

It's a journey; it's not black and white, you're in-you're out, you're good-you're bad. And it's an inside job. In other words, you decide whether you're being true to yourself. And the good news is, you can't possibly do it wrong. And when it comes to sex, here's how to be 100 percent true to yourself.

1. Ask yourself questions you may never have asked yourself before.

Either because you didn't have any reason to, or because you complied with the predominant cultural model and had no impetus to question your sexuality. That's the first thing I do with my sex therapy clients: Who are you erotically? Is your sexual orientation truly examined and fully expressed? Are you gay/bi/hetero?

Remember that you can have gay fantasies, but not act on them. What does that make you? You decide. Nobody else gets to put a label on you. What truly turns you on? Not turned on by receiving oral sex, but you love kissing? That's OK; you're allowed. Have you explored your turn-ons sufficiently?

2. Figure out if monogamy is the best fit for you.

Are you monogamous because it's what your partner expects or assumes you are? If you find yourself wanting to branch out and be sexual with others, there may be many different motivations. Is it because you don't know how to tell your lover what you need?

Are you bisexual in a gay relationship? Is the forbidden tantalizing and are you turned on by the rush of breaking the rules? Do you feel out of control with your extra-curricular sexual activity? Do you not have the stomach for real intimacy and it's easier to have hit and run sex with strangers?

If you're non-monogamous, ask yourself whether you come to it from the best in yourself or the worst? In other words, out of fullness or emptiness? Is your primary relationship so perfect, so dialed in, that outside partners enhance it? Or are you playing it safe by having back-up lovers in case it falls apart?

And if you're monogamous, is it because it's safer and you have an illusion of security with one partner? Or is it because you know deep down that this is the best relationship lifestyle for you? Being true to yourself is also about knowing which relationship format works best for you and being straight with yourself about why.

3. Recognize that self-acceptance is about loving yourself.

Do you fully express yourself erotically in the world or with your lover? Are you comfortable in your own skin? How do you feel about your body? Sometimes, doubt about our appearance can cause us to hold ourselves back in bed. A great lover is an enthusiastic one, not one whose ass/breasts/waist is the perfect size.

Do you accept your sexual wiring? Are you able to embrace your turn-ons? If you're turned on by being spanked, having your ears/anus/boobs licked, is that OK with you? I often tell my clients, "Stand on your own two feet and take your p*ssy in your own hands." In other words, own it!

4. Find out what your vulva looks like (yes, really).

One of my pet peeves is that people are constantly confusing the vulva with the vagina. The vulva is on the outside — that's the two sets of lips, however they're configured: frilly, straight, long, short, pink, brown, and everything in between. The vagina is on the inside. Unless you have a flashlight and a speculum, and you're hanging out with Annie Sprinkle or you work as a gynecologist, you won't be seeing a lot of vaginas.

If you were in a department store and there was an announcement from lost and found about a misplaced vulva, would you be able to go and recognize yours? If not, grab a mirror right now and take a looksie. That's part of being in erotic integrity. And whether you call it a p*ssy, a hooha, a cooch, or a cock-pocket, know the proper terms, please.

5. Understand that self-actualization is about how authentically you live your life — sexually and otherwise.

What needs to happen for you to fully embrace what is erotically true for you? Are you waiting for someone to give you permission? Who? Your mom? Your lover? The media? What gets in the way of your full self-expression? Are you living an authentic life, in bed and otherwise? What is missing for you? What changes might you be called upon to make in order to be fully true to yourself sexually?

Examining all this can take you from shame to self-honoring, sadness to joy, dread to relief, contraction to juiciness, and from self-loathing to self-love. When you're being true to yourself sexually, it has a profound effect on how you show up with others and how you impact them.

It affects how you carry yourself in the world, not just when you're naked and turned on. When you're in erotic integrity you feel confident, in bed and in life.