13 Things Women Do That Men Know Absolutely NOTHING About

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Things Women Do That Men Know Nothing About
Self, Sex

Men, you're in the dark about a lot of things. But it's not your fault.

My colleague recently wrote, "(Insert the gender you aren't) are weirdos." Truth. But we women prefer to be referred to as "enigmas." It's OK, we don't expect you to know that. In fact, there are quite a few things you don't know about us.

Here's a few to get you started on a deeper, more meaningful understanding of the female of our species.

1. We like porn, too.

Men don't have the monopoly on enjoying porn. Granted, most of us women prefer a softer, more narrative form of erotica, but we like titillation as much as the next girl... errr, guy. Watch Henry & June that has "chick porn" written all over it.

And no, that's not code for "girl on girl action." As a general rule, the written word is more appealing than a tight zoom on testicle goosebumps.

2. If we don't already own a vibrator, we want one.

Just the other day I was speaking with a single grandmother about her sex life. Offhandedly, I commented that she should invest in a battery-operated beau. She confided, "I just bought my first one. Now I'm so mad I didn't buy one sooner."

That's not an edict to run out and buy the woman in your life a magic wand. It's more of a warning to not freak out when you find your mom's.

3. We hide other things in our nightstands.

Like chocolate. Cookies. Chocolate cookies. And then some gum to cover the smell of the cookies. Sure, sometimes we don't want to be judged for sneaking sweets. Most of the time, we just don't want to share.

4. We feel guilty about buying things for ourselves.

The stereotype of women as spend-thrifts isn't a total misnomer. We love buying gifts for friends or procuring knick knacks as we nest with our partners. Yet when it comes time to buy something that benefits us and only us, it's a struggle.

Some women hide their new clothes in the dirty laundry bin. Some refuse to replace their winter gloves should she foolishly lose one before Spring arrives. Some forego a vibrator until they're in their 60s. We all inevitably suffer from buyer's remorse.

5. We spend hours combating body hair.

Sure, you already know we pluck our eyebrows and wax our lady gardens. Most of us scrape our armpits and legs. But did you know how much work it takes to not have Hobbit toes? Or the upper lip of a pubescent boy?

And as we age (gasp) without heroic measures, our chins resemble those of wild boars. Two words, dear sirs: nipple hair. Proper upkeep of the female body is a full-time job.

6. We care about your personal hygiene.

I'm talking specifically about your nails. Hangnails. Fungus. Jagged edges. Unrecognizable substances beneath those nails. We both know you're going to try and put those things on or in me. I'd appreciate some due diligence. After all, I've spend the last three hours trying to slough and shave myself into perfection. The least you could do is wash your hands.

7. We always have an escape plan.

We're of a transitional generation. We watched our mothers and aunts depend entirely on their spouses. Then we watched many of them abandoned and abused with no means of support. It's not that we expect you to betray us, but we damn sure aren't going to be caught with our Spanx down when it happens.

We have stashes of cash hidden. We have prepaid phone cards. We have a short list of who we will contact and for what. So think twice before you accept that karaoke invitation from your sexy, 20-something intern.

8. We sabotage your sweater vests.

Of course we don't like everything you wear. Of course we have plans to mold you into the perfect partner. But few realize the extent of our deviousness. That shirt that the dry cleaner lost? The argyle cummerbund that you could've sworn was hanging in the closet? Your coveted Creed or Nickelback tour shirt that caught fire in the dryer? We're evil geniuses, I tell you.

9. We're master puppeteers.

That great idea you just had? We had it for you. But we humbly and graciously allowed you to think the idea was your own. We're used to not getting credit for the work we do. We aren't, however, used to not getting our way. Your idea + my desired outcome = we both win. You're welcome.

10. We love masturbating.

But no, we don't want to do it in front of you. Or tell you when or how we do it. Or mention it ever, really. We'll totally feel guilty about it later, but it's nice for an instant for everything to be about ME.

11. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you could never make it as a woman.

Each of us women has been marginalized, ogled, harassed, abused, undervalued, and undermined to varying degrees. And we know the importance of maintaining a smiling facade while navigating those challenges.

Maybe you guys could do that, too. Maybe not. But one cramp, sweet fellows. One cramp and you would be done.

12. We resent you.

We try not to. Honest, we do. It doesn't mean we love you any less. But sometimes it's a lot of weight to carry for $.60 to your dollar as we press our faces against a glass ceiling, all while knowing down the line someone is going to assume we're a bitch for not taking another's last name.

Being a woman is a sh*t gig. Fortunately, it still beats the alternative.

13. We know you're more sensitive than you let on.

I talk a big game, but even as I type up this list, I know my husband will take some of these personally, regardless of how they're meant. I've seen the eyes of my brothers well after compliments and insults. And I know my father cringes at the mere thought of anyone ever thinking him of the capacity for disloyalty.

You men put forth a brave face, but we see the cracks despite your efforts. We're both human, after all.


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