We know cheating devastates our partner ... so why do we do it anyway?
By Melanie Gorman and Helen Fisher and Foojan Zeine and Marta Rocha and Dr. Alicia H. Clark — Written on Aug 04, 2017
If the Ashley Madison hack from a few years ago taught us anything, it's that more people feel the DESIRE to cheat than actually go through with it.
While the former Ashley Madison CEO previously claimed a 1:1 ratio between men and women under 30 on the site, the hack revealed that only 15 percent of Ashley Madison's members were women.
Clearly, the notion that men and women cheat in equal volumes is false. Yet, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher tells us that men and women have courted clandestine affairs for longer than we have historical records.
And clearly, we're baffled by the "is it right or is it wrong?" complexity of infidelity, because over 7 million people have watched her popular TED talk "Why We Love, Why We Cheat," trying to make sense of this painful behavior.
It's as if we're searching for some miracle answer about cheating that's somehow slipped through our grasp. So let's dig into it ...
We took this topic to the best resource we could find — Dr. Helen Fisher herself. Helen was joined for this powerful discussion by three Experts who deal with the aftermath of infidelity every day in their practices: psychologist Dr. Foojan Zeine, psychologist Dr. Alicia Clark, and counselor Marta Rocha.
What you'll find by the end of their discussion (in the video above) is that cheating is not limited or skewed to one gender over the other — both genders do it. It's just that the question of "why do men cheat?" has become a huge part of our cultural conversation around masculinity and relationships.
Also, infidelity is neither on the rise NOR declining. Basically, there is no evidence to prove that we're more inclined to cheat today than we were in the past.
That said, what also hasn't changed is how much infidelity is a scar that never fully leaves a person; whether you're the person who cheated or you were cheated on. You may reach a place of forgiveness, but like all scars, a mark remains forever.
And humans have raised objections against adultery pretty much forever. The 10 commandments were penned in 1450 BC, 3500 years ago, and the seventh commandment is "thou shalt not commit adultery".
Considering that civilization as we know it has only existed for the past 6000 years, we have viewed infidelity as morally wrong for over half of our time on Earth.
So, if we all believe it's immoral and destructive ... why do SO many people cheat anyway?
It turns out the answers are both varied and rather surprising.
Dr. Zeine makes an excellent point in the video, above, about how much of the reason people cheat on people they love starts with how we see ourselves reflected in our partners.
When passionate love fades, it's too easy to allow your self-esteem to fade, too. Often, people then look to someone else who lusts after them for a reflection of that glowing, idyllic version of themselves that they once saw in their partner.
Watch the video above to hear more from Dr. Zeine, and all of the Experts, who share their powerful insights (including a few that debunk the notion that only "unhappily married" people cheat — not true!).
Afterward, if you need help — either making a good decision NOT to cheat, or healing from the wound of infidelity if it's touched your relationship — the panelists can help.
Reach out to Dr. Foojan Zeine, Dr. Alicia Clark, Marta Rocha or get to know Dr. Helen Fisher's work. They're here to help! You don't have to suffer with this pain or confusion forever.
