It probably leaves a better taste in your mouth than his music.
Despite being second only to Nickelback on the list of things Canada should apologize for, Justin Bieber and his penis are flooding the inboxes and social media feeds of women everywhere (and I'm guessing quite a few dudes, too).
And if anyone was still naïve enough to believe the lie that size doesn’t matter, reflect on this moment and the mass hysteria that Justin Bieber's big dick can cause — and let Justin make a Belieber out of you.
Here's what we've learned about The Biebs's giant 'man business:'
1. It’s more than a mouthful.
Let’s not beat around the bush — he’s equipped like a Spartan (as in very NSFW). Let’s just say you might need to clear out some hard drive space to accommodate the … uh … large file size of these photos.
Any spiteful non-fans assuming he was overcompensating are going to have to simply hate him for his villainous crimes against music (challenge accepted). And while he may not measure up to current "big dick" record-holder Jonah Falcon, we're definitely impressed.
2. It makes his father creepily proud.
On the plus side, this could be the perfect advertising opportunity for Google+. “Google+ — where no one will ever see your inexplicable incestuous musings.”
3. Its owner doesn't care that it’s all over the internet.
Yeah, there’s definitely a weird double-standard when it comes to nude photos that makes it OK to talk about the penises, but not vaginas.
But in this case, Justin Bieber doesn’t mind his penis being exposed to the masses (according to TMZ). So let’s save the self-righteous, morally superior soapboxes for another time. Let’s just be outraged that enough people care about him that I have to write this article in the first place.
And let's be honest, keeping things private is hardly Bieber's strong suit. Whether it's even more naked photos of him making the rounds (Seriously, does this dude ever wear clothes?) or his very public, very immature, on-going online feud with ex Selena Gomez — the Bieb's is letting it all hang out.
4. It’s (mostly?) hairless.
Dude is shaved like an Olympic swimmer going through chemo (in case you were wondering about the manscaping situation).
Although, it’s hard to tell if he’s gone fully hairless because of the blurriness of the photos. Why are we not funding a CSI team to enhance these pictures?
At least that way I won’t have to explain to my girlfriend why my face is two inches away from my monitor with Bieber’s naked junk practically resting on my nose while I try to decipher the pixels.
5. It reveals who the creeps are on your Facebook feed.
It’s one thing to ogle nudes photos and fantasize about celebrities. (Guilty as charged.) But, it gets kinda creepy when people are so comfortable talking specifics on social media.
Proclaiming your excitement over nudes is basically saying to your friends and family, “Hey, I plan to masturbate to this today.”
6. It showed up just in time to create buzz for his next album.
Sex has been selling music for a long time now. There’s no hard evidence to backup the idea that this may be a publicity stunt, but it’s definitely one way to get your name in the zeitgeist.
Yes, Bieber. It’s too late to say “Sorry.” But, thanks anyway.