How NOT To Break Your Penis During Sex: A 4-Step Beginner's Guide

Photo: WeHeartIt
sex
Contributor
Sex

Because no one wants to have to explain THAT in the emergency room.

I know; you can't technically break your penis since it doesn't have a bone, but if you just suffered a penile fracture, I doubt you're going to nitpick over semantics.

According to the Mayo Clinic, snapping your penis like a twig can lead to permanent deformity or erectile dysfunction if not surgically repaired immediately. So, uhh, don't do that.

Minor sex injuries are inevitable — you pull a muscle or you're sore down there the next day; that's just part of life.

But let's talk about how to avoid getting sent to the hospital. It's probably advisable to avoid any situation where having your manhood sliced open with a knife is the best possible outcome:

Rule 1: No thrusting unless you're completely hard.

A semi-soft penis is a flexible penis, and bending is exactly what we're trying to avoid here. You don't need a Ph.D. in physics to understand that applying force to your penis at an angle equals one sad wiener.

It might feel like no big deal at first, and to be honest, you could probably pull it off most of the time. But it only takes one hard pump while your penis is bent the wrong way to cause some blunt force trauma to your nether region.

Picture what's going on down there: You're basically crumpling up your junk and then smashing it against something. In this case, that something happens to be a vagina, but still.

reactiongifs

Rule 2: Never completely exit the vagina while thrusting.

It's dark. Beds are bouncy. Everything is slippery. It only takes a small miscalculation to end up slamming your penis into a part of her that isn't a soft, receptive cavity ... and then you're both in pain.

You ever see a car commercial where they show how safe the vehicle is by slamming it straight into a wall in slow motion? In this case, the car is your penis in your very own head-on collision. And you're the dummy.

reactiongifs

Rule 3: Ease into the rougher stuff.

For you beginners out there, just because she likes you to be more aggressive in bed doesn't mean you just go crazy on her right out of the gate. If you go too hard too fast, she might not be ready for it, which can be painful and cause her to pull away, or otherwise move suddenly.

Please refer to the above rule as to why this could cause problems for you, in addition to being terrible for her.

reactiongifs

Rule 4: Standing positions: proceed with caution.

Sex, while one or both of you is standing, can be fun, but they're the least predictable positions in terms of compatibility. You just don't know if it's going to work until you try.

Why? Because of height differences. Between you and her, the bed, or any other object/furniture you may use between one or both of you standing.

And what did we go over in rule number one? That's right! Angles are our enemy. There's no harm in carefully trying, and if it works, knock yourself out. But if it doesn't seem to be working or you keep falling out, don't force it.

Not only do you run into the danger of thrusting into her body after falling out, but you may also wind up bearing her weight on your penis if one of you loses balance.

Is it still called decapitation if your other head is shorn off?

reactiongifs

Author
Contributor