I promise to always double-flush, sweet husband of mine.
I'm a wife. Over the years, I've had to make a LOT of promises to my husband that go above and beyond the typical "to have and to hold" stuff. I realize that may be a catchall phrase for all marital promises, but it doesn't seem like it gets the job done when it comes to the myriad things that arise during a marriage. For instance, "Who gets to eat the last cookie?" isn't specifically addressed in any of the standard wedding vows but if your house is anything like mine, that's a situation where ground rules need to be laid down EARLY AND OFTEN.
But it isn't just about cookies; it's about bathroom etiquette and laundry issues and pretty much everything in between. Today's modern woman should be willing to make more than just the promises contained in the wedding vows. She should strive for more. Since I'm both an overachiever and a fantastic wife, I've decided to lay out the 25 additional promises that all wives should make to their spouses. Get ready to cross your heart and hope to die because here we go.
1. ...To resist the urge to physically shake you when your snoring shakes the walls.
And no. Nose strips don't help. Neither do ear plugs.
2. ...To tell you when it's time to retire that polo shirt.
We aren't in college any more and $10 shirts are no longer considered expensive.
3. ...To double flush.
I am a lady, after all.
4. ...To lie to you about how much my new shoes really cost.
You don't need to know and I'm definitely not returning them.
5. ...To tell you how great you are at karaoke.
Even though your rendition of "Gangsta's Paradise" is actually painful.
6. ...To never call a plumber until I've given you ample opportunity to pretend to fix it.
I'm willing to keep up with the charade.
7. ...To give a more creative answer than just "I have a headache" when I don't want to have sex.
But darling, it's the summer solstice, I can't possibly...
8. ...To limit the amount of butt grabs I do to you in public when you wear khaki pants.
It's just so irresistible, even when we're at church.
9. ...To not roll my eyes in front of you when you complain about a minor ailment.
I'll do that when you turn away.
10. ...To make you get an annual physical. You'll hate it but if I'm forced to see the lady doctor, you can certainly get your junk touched."
It's because I love you.
11. ...To pretend to be asleep so you'll let the dogs out in the middle of the night.
I know 3 AM is your favorite time to bond with them.
12. ...To politely hand you a mint instead of rudely asserting that your breath smells like fecal matter.
Sorry about that little incident...
13. ...To tolerate your family for small periods of time.
But wine has to be involved. This is non-negotiable.
14. ...To tell you when you get ear hair. It will happen, and when it does I will tell you to shave it.
It's the duty of every wife over 50.
15. ...To suffer through your idiot TV shows without complaining.
But afterwards we're going to watch ALF. It's happening.
16. ...To let you eat the last Oreo.
Because I stashed a few in the back of the cabinet that I will eat in solitude later.
17. ...To tell you there's no cream cheese in the mashed potatoes even though there is because it's what makes them taste so good.
The secret ingredient isn't love. It's cream cheese.
18. ...To not spill things on your sweatshirts when I wear them.
Or at least I promise to try not to spill. Sometimes things just happen.
19. ...To answer my phone when you call.
Instead of ignoring the call and just texting "What do you need?"
20. ...To preserve your masculinity and not get us a floral print bedspread.
I hate floral print and it's not 1956.
21. ...To not post embarrassing photos of you on Facebook.
After all, Twitter is where it's at.
22. ...To consult with you about major changes to my hair.
Sometimes the consultation will be moments after the fact.
23. ...To let you have at least 10% of the DVR space.
The rest is reserved for shows on the CW.
24. ...To pretend to listen to your random rants.
I will periodically make vague comments to make it sound like I'm listening.
25. ...To love you no matter what, because you love me for who I am and are absolutely perfect for me.