Remembering Joan Rivers: Her 20 Best Quotes About Love & Sex

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RIP Joan Rivers.
 

The world just got a lot less laugh-out-loud funny. 

Joan Rivers, one of the most hilarious women ever, has died at 81. Last week, she was rushed to a New York hospital after she stopped breathing while having a procedure on her vocal cords. She had been on life support since the weekend and was placed in a medical coma right before that.

 

Rivers, who often made herself the butt of the joke during her standup routines and who skewered take-themselves-too-serious celebs as a host of Fashion Police, was an octogenarian, but she hadn't lost a step, mentally or with her humor. She still slayed with words, even in her '80s.

When it was reported she was in stable condition last week, I think we all let out a collective sigh of relief and anticipated she'd be back on E! in no time, making a joke about the whole thing. With someone as fearless and full of life as Rivers, it's hard to even imagine that they wouldn't make it.

"My mother's greatest joy in life was to make people laugh," Melissa Rivers said in a statement. "Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon."

And so, in honor of our favorite comedian, here are some of Rivers' best, most rowdy and most memorable quotes, jokes, jabs, one-liners and quips.

1. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

2. "I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor."

3. "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."

4. "I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"

5. "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

6. "I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

7. "My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day."

8. "Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller."

9. "I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent."

10. "I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry."

11. "I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all-liquid. 80 proof."

12. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing and what's there stinks."

13. "My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit."

14. "My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."

15. "All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."

16. "I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'"

17. "Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty."

18. "Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

19. "No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card."

20. "I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked."

Photo credit: imdb.com

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