Drooling over pizza? You're not alone ... you're in love.
You guys, it's National Pizza Day! If there's any holiday you should celebrate this month, this is the one. (Sorry, Valentine's Day.)
First of all, I would like to say that I was born to write this piece. I usually write about sex, relationships, and women’s rights, but never pizza, my one true love. Sure, I mention it as often as I can, because that's what you do when you're in love, but I've never sat down and really devoted my time and energy to an entire piece about the one thing in the world that the mere thought of living without is so detrimental to my soul, that I can't even find the words, nor do I want to. I don't ever want to go to that dark place where there is no pizza.
In my life, I have been in love, deep, all-consuming love, a couple of times. But each time that love could not surpass the love I have for pizza. I sometimes think I continue to pay my exorbitant New York City rent month after month because I'm in the delivery zone of my favorite pizza spots in the world (outside of Naples, of course.) Even my husband knows that he's not number one in my heart; my dog is, and he's tied with pizza. It may seem ridiculous, but that's fine. I say to each his own and don't get in the way of my pizza.
If you're not sure if pizza is your boyfriend, here are 12 signs that I will help you figure it out on my favorite holiday.
Um, what the wha--? Who the hell does Katy think she is gallivanting around town in your boyfriend? Is she looking for a fisticuffs type situation or just that glib? Either way, she just made the top of your shit list.
You know Forrest Gump would go on and on about how Jenny is the prettiest name in all the world? Well, that’s your feeling on pizza, OK Pizza?
Why? Because show some respect! You haven't done anything good since Home Alone 2, Mac, and that’s me just being generous, so it's not like you have any right to name your band (that gets booed so often it had to cancel its tour), after such a perfect creation like pizza. Not too mention, poor Lou Reed is probably rolling over in his grave about it, too.
I have, on far too many occasions to count, told my husband I love him with the same gusto that I love a Lombardi's pizza with pepperoni and roasted red pepper. It's the purest and most true compliment I've ever given the man. Please note that I didn't say I love him more, because, well, come on.
Some people go to bed with strangers, others fall asleep surrounded by empty bottles of cheap vodka, but not you. You drift off in the arms of your beloved and wake up sans regret and a hangover. You're so awesome.
Oh, yeah, sure, let's just split this pie… HAHA! Seriously though, that's just wrong, weird, creepy, and did I mention wrong yet? It's mine! It's mine! All mine!
Listen, you don't need that negativity in your life. You just don’t. If someone can't see all the wonderful things in pizza that you can, then they are fundamentally flawed, and not just that, but total jerks. Jerks are what bring the world down. You don't need them. We don't need them. Hear me, pizza haters, WE DON'T NEED YOU.
Every time your boss gets up in your face about something or your roommate eats the last of your expensive truffle gouda cheese, you just think of them as your beloved pizza and you somehow find the strength to go on and cope with this wicked world.
"Oh, hello there, handsome. Aren't you looking hot and steamy this evening? Do you have something you want to give me? Something that tastes real good that you want me to eat on up? Oh, yes you do, don't you?"
Like, where does it go? Who loves it? Does it sleep alone, cold in its box, or is it tucked into bed with someone, as it should be? IS ANYONE LOVING IT? LOVING ALL OF IT?
Yeah, it feels good in your belly, and felt even better going down, but man, there’s nothing more heartbreaking than a pizza box that no longer has pizza in it.
Yep, pizza is totally your boyfriend. Congratulations! Now you just have to fight me for it, because I loved pizza first and the most. I just know it.