Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are rumored to be on the outs.
Carey is reportedly sick of Cannon's wandering eye, and Page Six reports that the self-proclaimed Elusive Chanteuse has kicked his cheating behind to the curb, and even had hired extra security to keep him away from other girls. Sounds like this douchecanoe was really, uh, wild n' out, and not just in interviews where he'd reveal way too much about their sex life.
But Mimi shouldn't worry. She can do so, so so much better than the most ironic talent show host ever.
In fact, perhaps Carey should tune into her own tunes to gather up the strength to leave his sorry ass for someone better—or just to fly solo. Here are the best Mariah Carey breakup songs ever to help her, and maybe the rest of us, get through rough splits.
1. "You Don't Know What To Do" Feat. Wale
If you've ever been stuck with a guy who is absolutely clueless in the sack, this song is for you. Also if you love to dance, this is for you, too, whether or not you're going through a bad breakup with the dude from Drumline.
If you feel like your relationship is holding your boo back, stop being selfish. If you feel like you need to let them live a little, do it. If he or she comes back, they're still not yours, because possessiveness is creepy, but it does mean they adore you and are worth the wait. Also, why is there not a single butterfly in this video? Anyone?
3. "My All"
If you really can't let your man or lady go, drink a glass of wine and then sing this in the shower. But seriously, don't text them again. Then you'll look "#thirsty," and that's a single that didn't even chart for poor Mimi.
4. "Breakdown" Feat. Bone Thugs n' Harmony
Carey captures the complicated emotions that surround a sudden breakup, especially if you're trying to look strong but are crumbling inside: "Do you cling to your pride and sing 'I Will Survive?' Do you lash out and say 'How dare you leave this way?' Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?" (The answer for most of us, is, truthfully, a combination of all of those things. Except Jodi Arias. She had her own coping methods.)
5. "Shake It Off"
The original "Shake It Off" was a lot more mature than Taylor Swift's pre-teen pandering tripe: Mimi was emancipated and not taking anyone's crap anymore. Also, for a while, I thought she was singing "I got a chicken roll," which just made me happy.
6. "It's A Wrap" Feat. Mary J. Blige
She uses the word "acquiescent" and then the phrase "Don't make me call Maury Povich" in one verse. If that doesn't make you scream "YAAAAS," dial 911, because you might not have a pulse.
Mariah Carey initially reportedly wrote this about Eminem, but how perfect is this for Nick Cannon? Right down to the title.
8. "You Had Your Chance"
For that douchebag ex who keeps trying to come back when you've moved on.
I don't get the punctuation either, but go with it. It captures the gradual frustrations of a breakup that hasn't quite taken yet.
10. "Did I Do That?" Feat. Mystikal and Master P
If you can get over the weird yelling in the background (seriously, who let Mystikal ever have a career?), this song is awesome for when you look back at an ex and think, "What the f*ck was I doing on MeetAnInmate.com anyway?"
11. "Against All Odds"
Yeah, this is a Phil Collins cover, but give it a go. She slays it.
12. "Heartbreaker" Remix Feat. Da Brat and Missy Elliott
Who better to help you move past an on-again off-again lover than your best girlfriends?
13. "I Don't Wanna Cry"
Sick of fighting and drama, but still in love somehow? When a relationship causes more headaches and heartache than happiness, follow Mimi's advice and find a way of letting go.
14. "Up Out My Face" Feat. Nicki Minaj
When not even an entire Harvard graduating class or a nail technician can repair your relationship after a jackass does a ton of damage, blast this and let him know this ain't a promo. Also, it's just fun to reminisce back to the times when Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj didn't hate each other, isn't it?
Possibly one of the best breakup songs ever by anyone, this may be the ultimate woman scorned anthem for a guy who dares to leave you for a lesser. (And yes, she is a lesser. Unless she's Mariah. You deserve a man with better taste than that!)