The website "Texts From Straight White Guys" kind of annoys me. Not all straight white guys send creepy text messages, and creepy text messages can come from all genders, sexes, shapes, colors and sizes: My own girlfriend alone has been sexually harassed by a legitimate rainbow coalition, including two other women. Her life is harder than mine is.
That said, I've been on the receiving end of some pretty creepy text messages from straight girls. I'm not here to tell the women my lady calls "fauxminists" to get off of their soapboxes, because I get it — creepy texts are really, really annoying. But let's not discriminate as to who sends them. Back when I was single, I tested out online dating, and I came across plenty of creeps.
And guess what? They had vaginas.
Here are the creepiest, most awkward and plain weirdest texts, emails, messages and the like I've accumulated from being, well, a straight white guy. I'm not saying my life isn't generally easier than anyone else's, because it is (I wrote this without pants on), but that doesn't mean it's any less creepy.
1. "So, did you creep on all my pics?"
I once received this message out of the blue on OKCupid. I had no idea who this person was and we had had no previous interactions. After a quick look at her profile picture, no, I did not creep on all her pics. I don't like judging people based on how they look, but if that's your opening line then I kind of have to.
2. "Are you not interested in me?"
(Five minutes later)
"Guess not :("
The worst part about a message like this is that it puts the recipient in a tough spot. I got this message from someone that I just met and had barely talked to. I wasn't super interested in them, and this just made me less so. That's an awkward question to ask, and five minutes wasn't enough time to consider the message ignored. Now I'm definitely not interested in you because you're acting like a lonely coconut.
Here's a general rule: don't text somebody if they're not sending responses. It means they're not interested. If you send 10 texts in a row and don't get one response, then you've gone too far. Keeping up with this behavior isn't going to force the person into wanting to talk to you.
3. Once, a girl messaged me. It started off decently, but we just weren't clicking. It was a little late at night, so I said I had work the next day and was going to sleep (which was true). She responded with:
"I want to keep talking so we get better at having conversations!"
First, if you have to practice having a conversation, that's not a good sign. Second, you should never beg someone to keep talking to you, unless you're being held hostage or something. And if you are, why not get in touch with the authorities instead of some weirdo you met online?
4. "Beg for it."
Yeah, I'm not going to do that. I mean, seriously? Saying something like this just makes you sound like the sort of person that has bodies hidden around their place. (BTW, I had asked her if she wanted to go out some time, not have kinky sex in a dungeon.)
5. Once, a girl sent me a picture of herself dressed up as Lady Gaga, in one of her weirder outfits. Along with the picture, she sent the following question:
"Want to be my little monster?"
No. No I don't. This is weird and random, and most guys don't like being referred to as "little" or "monsters."
6. A girl once messaged me asking what I did for a living. At the time, I was working as a delivery driver. Her response:
"You drive a delivery truck? That's so sexy!"
I think she may have misunderstood me. I said "delivery truck," not "monster truck."
7. A general rule of thumb:
Also, you know how dick pics are gross, especially when they're from a guy you're not interested in? Same thing with any nudie pics. As a rule, don't send strangers naked pictures of yourself. Look, if you know the person and that they're into it, send whatever pictures you feel like. But if you're on a dating website or the subway or something, then tactics like that have the same effect on men that they do women: the only ones who don't get creeped out are creeps. And even though I'm a straight white guy, I swear I'm not a creep (and not just because my girlfriend is editing this).
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