Warning: some of these stories may be hard to unimagine!
Some of our spookiest moments — the ones we swore to forget — are incidents that happen in the bedroom. It's a hard, cold fact, you guys.
When I originally took to social media to ask people if they'd ever been spooked during sex, I got more than a few responses that basically said, "I wish." It seems people aren't getting as terrified as they'd like, and perhaps that means we really need to work on letting our freak flags fly even higher.
However, after more prodding and harassing on my part, I finally got people to admit, "Well, there was that one time..." and I realized I could do this article after all. I'm warning you now that some of this stuff is going to be hard to un-imagine if you dare to imagine it. So take each tale as it is, and try your best not to over-think them.
1. The Mommy Issues Guy.
Guys, in case you weren't aware, bringing up mama is a bedroom no-no. According to Julie, 31, her interest in one particular suitor died fast after he compared her hugging technique to that of his mom. "At first I thought he was joking, so I laughed it off. But after the second, third and fourth times, I realized something was seriously not right. I don't want to hug my lover like his mom does. I don't want any mom references at all when I'm having sex!"
2. The Pregnancy Fetish Guy.
I've known Anna, 34, since college and there's no end to the weirdoes she gets in her life. After three men whose dirty talk included impregnating her, she's decided she's a magnet for such dudes: "In like a really dirty way I've heard, "I want to f*ck you until you're pregnant" or "I want you to be pregnant with my son and I am going to f*ck you..." and the like. It was weird the first time, but by the third I wondered if I am some kind of magnet for pregnancy fetishes. It totally throws me — I'm not very kid-friendly so it usually chills my lady-parts immediately. Do THEY think it's sexy?! 'Cause it's not!"
3. The Seductive Dancer.
Sometimes what happens before you have sex is the scariest. This one comes from my vault. I'd been dating Ben off and on during college, then again after college when he moved to NYC. It was never anything serious, but whenever he'd have too much to drink, he'd proceed to do, what I think he thought, was a seductive dance. He didn't strip, but just swayed back and forth, did some twirls and occasionally humped the closest pillow. It was, to say the least, horrifying. But I tolerated it because once I finally got him into the sack, the sex was always (usually) fun.
4. The Prostate-Obsessed Guy.
We've all heard about the guy who loves to have a finger in his butt, but when Maris, 29, was face to face with an actual prostate massager, it was a different story. "I'd always considered myself kinda freaky in bed, until the day the guy I'd been seeing for only a few weeks handed me a white piece of plastic and asked me to massage him please. It looked like a toothbrush without the brush, and I had to ask him what it was. When he told me, I handed it back to him and left. It's just not my scene and never will be my scene."
5. The Porn Guy.
Jessica, 33, never had an issue with porn until she met a guy who couldn't live without it. "Remember the scene in Sex and the City where Miranda is with the guy who claims to have a relationship with the porn stars in his porn collection? It was almost the same thing. He couldn't get off unless his eyes were glued to the television. I'm positive he has no idea what my body looks like naked."
6. The Rim Job Guy.
Somehow I've managed to live my entire life without having a run-in with a guy who's all about the butt — either his or mine – but it appears not everyone else is so lucky. Enter Colleen, 29: "He was a bookish lad with your typical All-American-Boy face for pie, and after a walk through the park and some serious second base action against a tree, took him back to my place for the rest of the game. He was one of those dominant-in-bed types and at the beginning of the evening had me face down, ass up in my bed while he did things to my lady bits with his mouth.
Note: I actually do not really enjoy the whole oral sex business. It has the capacity to give me debilitating anxiety attacks and I am not sure why. But he was really insistent and I thought I'd give it a shot. I'd certainly never received oral in this position before, and thought maybe it would make the whole experience easier if I couldn't see the top of his head.
And then he licked my butt.
I yelped in a VERY unsexy, undignified manner, jumped, and banged my head against the wall. After I made him bring me a bag of ice for the bruise on my forehead, I told him it was time for him to go home. I was not interested in f*cking a man who thought butts were for licking. And then he told me that his mom wouldn't be able to pick him up. And I had to drive him home. To his MOM'S HOUSE. WHERE HE LIVED."
7. To Pee Or Not To Pee.
Amy, 35, realized that dating a sexually repressed man will just lead to, well, interesting things.
"We had very normal sex until one day I asked if he wanted to explore anything and he busted out: 1. Pee in mouth 2. Shame him by saying he's dirty, so unclean, so so unclean. I actually tried to pee in his mouth, but it was logistically hard and I gagged by proxy or something. Old college-try though. And that was the end of that."
8. The Sit On My Face Guy.
Alex, 24, was always down with oral sex until a guy demanded that she sit on his face. "All I kept thinking about was him dying from lack of oxygen, so I refused to do it. He kept demanding it over and over again. I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to be the reason someone died just because he wanted to be asphyxiated by my vagina."
9. The Enema Guy.
While some guys want to be unclean, other want to be very clean, and their bed buddy to be just as clean as Dava, 31, discovered one night. "One word: enema. He said we couldn't have sex until we gave each other enemas. I grabbed my bag and ran out the door faster than I even thought possible. After that, I started running everyday because I was so impressed with my speed."
10. The Vanilla Guy.
According to Sarah, 35, there's nothing spookier than a vanilla guy. When she responded to my request for spooky sex stories, she went into a rant, but here's the shortened version.
"You'd think in 2013 men would be into doing freaky stuff. We’ve come a long way sexually, and I want to be tossed around, spanked and even degraded. That’s what I like, and I make no apologies for it. For me, the scariest thing is to come in contact with a guy who shames you for knowing what you want. I'd welcome any guy who might possibly 'spook' me, because I don't think it's possible."