There's nothing quite like watching an empowered woman walk onto a stage, flip caution the bird and spout a hilarious one-liner about sex. In honor of Women's Equality Day on August 26th, we've compiled 15 of our favorite funny quotes about sex from famous ladies we love.
"So I'm licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm turning into my mother.'" —Sarah Silverman
"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that it's work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me." —Amy Schumer
"As I get older, I just prefer to knit." ―Tracey Ullman
"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ―Mae West
"You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it." —Tina Fey
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." ―Lily Tomlin
"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you." ―Dorothy Parker
"Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping." —Lisa Lampanelli
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind." —Nora Ephron
"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?" —Laura Kightlinger
"The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping." —Joan Rivers
"No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor." ―Betty Friedan
"Women fake orgasms and men fake finances." ―Suze Orman
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people." —Chelsea Handler
"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant." —Margaret Cho
Have A LOT of sex. But not til you're married. For real. A LOT.
Though most modern women would dry up faster than a teardrop on the surface of the sun at the thought of having sex with someone named "Jim Bob," Michelle Duggar insists, "Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love. You always need to be available when he calls." This is especially true if your husband doesn't have full use of his hands.
YAAAAS! Now we can hug!
Only side-hugs are permitted until your wedding day, because going chest-to-chest can create too much temptation. You know Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar got all sorts of nasty embraces after this photo was taken. Look at that lascivious wink — she probably even let him cop a feel. Trollop.
Be fruitful and multiply.
This is an especially good rule for those of you with reproductive issues, who hate kids, and who rely on public assistance to make ends meet.
A parent is to chaperone all your dates.
This is to prevent "grave moral danger." By "grave moral danger," we think they mean "boners," and by "chaperone," we think they mean "third wheel" or "c*ckblocker."
Never, ever read '50 Shades Of Grey.'
Erotic fiction produces erotic feelings, which are sinful. In the case of EL James' tomes, the poor writing makes them also produce unintentional hilarity and a lot of cringing for anyone above a third grade reading level.
Never, ever drink booze.
Even if you need booze to make being chaperoned by your parents on a date in your 20s or the thought of having near-constant sex with a man named "Jim Bob" bearable, don't go anywhere near alcohol.
You can't dance, either.
Footloose is real: Dancing produces "sensual feelings," and despite having to be available for sex whenever a man with two first names wants it, you can't get jiggy with it to get yourself in the mood. Because that's sinful and bad. Almost as bad as the phrase "get jiggy with it."
Always be modest, even when he's already seen you naked.
Because your body belongs only to your husband and to God. Definitely not to you. Especially not your uterus.
You can never go to the beach.
The Duggars think their sons will have too hard a time averting their eyes from women in bikinis. Does this mean they can't get Sears catalogs either?
Halloween will send you straight to Hell.
The Duggars claim that Halloween is "part of a demonic realm God wants us to stay away from." Which is exactly what I'd call a house with 19 children running around in it.