31 Hilarious Quotes That Totally NAIL Your Crazy Relationship

Editor
Buzz, Love

Because love is funny-strange, but it's also funny ha-ha.

There's a funny thing about love and relationships, and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the love quotes to prove it.

Not only are these hilariously funny love quotes, they're 100 percent spot on, and from some of the world's most famous, influential people to date.

1.

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."

Will Ferrell

 

2.

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough."

Russell Brand

 

3.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

Rita Rudner 

 

4.

"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."

Chelsea Peretti

 

5.

"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."

Natasha Leggero 

 

6.

"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt."

Henny Youngman

7.

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."

Garry Shandling

 

​8.

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."

Richard Jeni

9.

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

Lily Tomlin

 

10.

"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner."

Jerry Seinfeld

 

11.

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

Joan Rivers
 

Read: More Hilarious Memes from YourTango
 

12.

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."

Chelsea Handler

 

13.

"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

George Burns

 

14.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

 

15.

"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Woody Allen

 

16.

"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something."

Fran Lebowitz 

 

17.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."

Richard Pryor

 

18.

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

Chris Rock

 

19.

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

Rodney Dangerfield

 

20.

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself."'

Johnny Carson

 

21.

"My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor."

Elayne Boosler

 

22.

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."

Ray Romano

 

23.

"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early."

Jack Benny

 

24.

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

— Unknown

 

25.

"Women love a self-confident bald man."

Larry David

 

26.

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

 

27.

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

Bill Maher

 

28.

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

Jackie Mason

 

29.​

"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."

David Sedaris

Read: The 23 BEST Donald Trump Memes Online That'll Make You Laugh Bigly!

 

30.

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

Phyllis Diller

 

31.

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

Erma Bombeck

If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotesinspirational sayings, and hilarious relationship truths, we've got you covered.​

Author
Editor