Have you ever wondered why men behave the way they do? Silly question. Of course you have.
In his "Dear Women" letter, humor columnist Streeter Seidell aimed to clear up some baffling male phenomena, like why men don't seem the least bit thrilled by cute babies (because they aren't their babies) or why they're perpetually horny (their horniness is the equivalent of the female period: it's nature-induced so they can reproduce).
All enlightening revelations.
So when Seidell issued a call to women asking for any insights into the female brain, I felt compelled write back. It's only fair.
So, to all the guys out there, I hope this letter is helpful.
There are some things you should know about us women.
Sometimes we cry for no reason. It's part of our hormonal make-up. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; it just means that, after drenching our skirts in coffee this morning, then bombing on our work presentation this afternoon, spilling that dish of jelly beans was simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
On the same note, we also like to vent. Just vent. Simple as that. You see, Suzy from work gets on our nerves sometimes. (We don't know what we did to offend her, but she seems to actively seek out opportunities to make us look bad in front of the boss.) We don't need you to fix our problems. Just let us tell you what they are. Then, feel free to give us a big hug. That's all we really want. 5 Ways to Prevent Communication Breakdowns
Oh, and it sounds cliché, but spiders tend to freak us out. A lot. We know it's ridiculous (we are, after all, the reigning roller derby queen and/or a top financial executive, with million-dollar budgets at our disposal), but those suckers give us the creeps, so if you could dispose of them for us and not make a big deal out of it, that would be awesome. Thanks.
Speaking of irrational fears, we'd rather not make the first move. We know it's a pain, but we just feel more confident when you do the asking out. So please, take some initiative and put us out of the misery we're experiencing due to the unfulfilled mutual lust we feel crackling and popping between us.
Also, we love it when you call us... to tell us you had a good time on our date... to talk about that gig you played last Friday night... to ask us out again... Stop with the games. If we suspect you're playing by the three-day rule, you're going to lose points. The three-day rule is lame.
If you're not that into us, let us know. We can handle it, and we'd rather you not waste our precious time. After all, we have an increasingly deafening biological clock to contend with. Yes, it will hurt when you break up with us, but we'd rather not be caught in a relationship for two years if you knew after two months that you didn't see it going anywhere. How To Stop Worrying About Your Biological Clock