The Sex You Should Have Before Settling Down


couple having sex with eyes closed
From Sexy Foreigner Sex to Woman On Top, here are the 12 types of sex you should have.

I'm sick of all these so-called relationship experts telling ladies the way to snag a man is to keep it in your pants, er, skirt. Listen, you big mouth prisses, not only am I too old to be a virgin, but I sure as hell am glad I'm not! Holding out for some kind of commitment only makes a gal think her vag is her primary value, not herself. Lame! And, frankly, even my mother, a proper lady who wears pantyhose in Florida, agrees you have to test-drive some cars before you know which one you wanna buy, if you know what she means. Especially before you settle down, you have to get around and at least experience these 12 kinds of sex.

Sexy Foreigner Sex: You can barely pronounce his name, but boy does he talk pretty. Perhaps you're traveling, or he came to you. Either way, don't let the chance to have a fling with a foreign hottie pass you by. Hey, it might just be your only chance to see one uncircumcised.


"The One" Sex: You thought he was, but he isn't. He broke your heart and you wonder if you'll ever have sex this good again. I promise, sister, when you do meet your match for reals, you'll know this guy was a test of faith that made you stronger.

Big D: You must hunt down and slay lay the mythical dragon penis. Otherwise, you'll always wonder how big is too big. You'll have that gasp moment when it's revealed to you and then you get to remember what it's like to be a virgin when he sticks it in. Afterward, you get to brag to your girlfriends and every salami will remind you of him. But, finally, you can put the fantasy that a huge manhood has magical powers to rest. It's just a Johnson, attached to a man, like all the others. And sometimes that man is an even bigger prick. The Frisky: 10 Olympic-Style Sex Positions

Bad Sex: The kind of sex you want to take a shower after, immediately. It'll help you appreciate good sex and even mediocre sex when you have it. The Frisky: 4 Celebrated Sex Positions That Men Aren't Really Into

Angry Sex/Hate Sex/Breakup Sex: Whether you're angry because he's a Republican and you canvassed for Obama, or you're totally mad at your BF and want to call it off, anger is one potent aphrodisiac. It certainly starts the sexy time off with a bang! It's like naked wrestling where everyone wins.

Rock star/DJ/Actor/Artist/Surfer/Athlete/Photog Sex: Who doesn't fantasize about being someone's muse? When you're some guy's Penny Lane, you feel like a million sexy bucks. And then cheap, like, two seconds later. But it always makes for an interesting story! So go, be someone's inspiration ... in bed.

Booty Hole: You should know if anal is your thing before you settle down. Test it out with someone you trust, preferably a mild-mannered sweetheart who is super gentle in the sack and who's also dispensable in case you don't like it and never want to do it again. Because for dudes, once they pop, they can't stop. And for some people, not getting any no-no factory action is a dealbreaker. The Frisky: What His Favorite Sexual Position Says About Him

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