10 Dating Deal Breakers That Really Aren't
Is your dating deal breaker radar discounting guys who could be The One?
There's been a lot of talk lately about settling for Mr. Good Enough, due to Lori Gottlieb's newest book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Despite the book's provocative subtitle, however, Gottlieb's latest opus isn't really about settling. Rather, it's a case for maintaining an open mind when considering new men, instead of nitpicking over inconsequential surface details. Which is why we put together a list of the 10 deal breakers that…well…shouldn't really be considered deal breakers. How To Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough
1. He's considerably older or younger. A lot of people pass judgment when they see a May-December couple, muttering things about gold-digging and cougars and dirty old men. In some cases, they're right. It can be difficult to have a partnership of equals when both halves of a couple are at different places in their lives, but there are a good deal of couples who make it work (Ashton and Demi, for example). Just make sure you've thought about the pros and cons of the gap.
2. He's balding. Shame on you! While it's important to be attracted to the one you're with (without physical chemistry, good sex is pretty tough), it doesn't make sense to arbitrarily rule out an entire segment of the population just because they sport a soul patch, or have a few extra pounds, or are balding. Have you seen how sexy Taye Diggs looks without hair?
3. He's lives far away from you. Long-distance relationships (LDRs) can be rough. They can be lonely. They can be expensive. They can be frustrating on both emotional and sexual levels. But they can also be worth it. Several YourTango staffers have rocked the LDR, proving that—with a good dose of patience—it can be done. How To Manage A Long-Distance Relationship
4. He doesn't have a college degree. A lack of formal education does not necessarily mean he lacks ambition, smarts or chances for career success. Think real estate broker. Plumber. Ultrasound technologist. Lobster fisherman. All of these jobs require hard work, a good brain and can net big bucks, yet none of them requires higher education. If he spends his days on the couch, wearing nothing but his tightie-whities and expects you to foot all the bills, however, we'll forgive you for dropping that dead weight.
5. He's divorced. OK. Stop hyperventilating. While a previous marriage can leave one with serious emotional baggage, a divorce does not mean there's something wrong with the person who went through it. In fact, the experience may have left him with a better perspective on what he wants (or doesn't want) in a partner, and what works when it comes to negotiating the rough spots. Over time, he may open up about the specifics of his divorce. In the meantime, concentrate on who he is as a person, not who he is as a divorced person.
Oh wow this is totally true - I met my fiance through dating online so I knew he had a kid from his profile. I'd normally run a mile but I thought well, why not give it a go? We dated for 6 months before I met his son, and it was a long time before it stopped feeling weird! I never wanted kids and still don't but I understand how much time/commitment my fiance has to give to his son and now we get on really well. Even if you don't want kids, you can make a relationship work where kids are involved.
This is a brilliant article. I think girls are guilty of this far more than men. Guys are far more willing to go along with something as long as a girl has nice thighs or makes a nice lasagne. You analyse, we eat.
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As a woman without children, I actually like dating men with kids. If am man makes his children a priority, his values are high on my list. Not every man has children who will welcome a woman into their lives with opened arms, but it is a sign of how he may treat you in the long run.
I have been involved with guys with kids abd it is always baggage. Luckily I am with a older guy who has never been married and has NO kids thank goodness:) But those type of guys are definetly harder to find my sister is looking for a guy around her age(29 or older) with no kids preferably and she is having a tough time finding that. My Man's ex had kids but none were his and when she did get prego with his she aborted it but she is a loser anyways....But personally I think it is better to get involved with someone with no kids/ex wifes/husbands they are just too much baggage that is brought into the next relationship.
Ok, question: It's ok for a woman to break up with a guy because he has kids- does this mean it's kosher for a guy to break up with a woman because she has kids? Or does this mean the guy is a shiftless responsibilty dodger? Hypothetically of course. Serious question here girls, I'm not trying to be snide.
guys are suppose to give a woman closure but its ok for a woman to ignore or disappear because she's trying "not to hurt him" when in most cases especially for a nice guy its worse & more painfully let alone they can't try to correct whatever the issue was. I think both sexs should be honest & to the point & give closure then after that if the message doesn't sink in ok be brutal or ignore the person but seriously give closure.
No. I don't think so. If you didn't want kids than you really shouldn't be getting into serious relationships with women who do or who already have kids and the same goes for women. If someone's lifestyle doesn't fit what you want from life, then you are not a shiftless responsibility dodger. You are only a shiftless responsibility dodger if you get a girl pregnant and then shirk your duties as a father.
Shiftless responsibility dodgers are the guys who make the baby and don't stick around.
Just my opinion - There's nothing wrong with not dating a woman because she has kids. If you don't want a serious relationship with a woman who has kids, you shouldn't start dating her.
Breaking up with someone because they have kids is more complicated. It would be bad to date a woman with kids and get to know her kids and promise to stick around and then leave. It might be hard on the kids if the people have been very serious and lived together, etc.
On the other hand, people sometimes discover that they can't get along because they have different ideas about raising kids, etc. Or you might not have realized what raising kids is like. If you can't work thing out, it's not going to help to stay. If you and your girlfriend have been in a serious relationship, you might want to consider counseling for stepparents to see if that helps. Stepparenting can be very hard.
Some people try not to introduce the kids and the boyfriends/girlfriends too fast so that the kids won't get hurt if they break up.
I guess the main thing is, try to avoid getting in a situation where you might break up with someone because of their kids.
I don't think age is an inconsequential surface detail. I think it's an important thing about a person and where they are in their lives. I do believe that people who love each other can work it out, but I don't think it's wrong to prefer someone closer to your own age.
In fact, I think it makes sense to search first for someone close to your own age. I would.
I think it's justifiable to not want a guy with kids. Of course, once you're past a certain age, there may not be many guys without kids, except guys who don't want kids at all. And if you're in love, you may not care. Still, if you're younger and you aren't involved yet, I think a guy without kids is a better bet.
Why I think it's sensible to avoid people who already have kids:
Children are a major time commitment. If you're with a decent guy, he's going to be part of his children's lives and that means you will, too. You're kind of taking on a part-time or full-time job with the guy. They won't be your kids, though, and you won't have much say in how they're raised.
Divorce rates are higher for second marriages where one person has kids. (They're even higher if both people do.) It is very, very stressful to adjust to raising kids with someone when their kids aren't yours. They already have ways of doing things. Step-families don't get a honeymoon period, they get a difficult beginning they have to work through. The exes will also be part of your family in a weird way.
Children cost a lot of money. A man with kids has less money available for you and any kids you want to have with him. Divorce messes people up financially. Some women even end up helping to help support the earlier family. Men don't always pay, but a good guy is going to be giving a major share of his income to them until they finish college and will want to give them gifts and an inheritance someday. Unless one of you is really rich, his kids will probably affect your financial situation and you may end up fighting about this.
If you're looking to have kids of your own, he may not want them or be able to afford them. If you two have them, he may not be able to give them as much as a guy who has never had kids would. You will almost certainly have some conflicts between his kids with other women and his kids with you.
