How Saying 'No' Will Help You Find Love
New dating advice: say "no" instead of "yes" when looking for Mr. Right.
You are in a state.
"Pangs of love," you say as you roll over on the couch, pantomiming stab motions to the heart. Your roommate looks bemused. It's the third or fourth date, and you've been struggling to hold off sending those late-night, inappropriate text messages. "Head. Heels. You. Me." (send—no wait, delete.) New Relationship Rules: Texting & IMing
Instead, you're on your knees, head in hands, summoning the forces of the universe to carry your love-cry out to the one you desire. Does he hear? Maybe. Will it be returned? The silence of everything that has not been communicated is deafening. Surely he feels it, too?
Why do you not pick up the phone and call? Why did you not cancel plans with friends to see him last Friday? Why are you still not Facebook friends? Why? Because Beth Wareham says so.
"Chase nothing. Pursue no one. Stand fast and let it come to you," she writes in The Power of No: How to Keep Blowhards and Bozos at Bay (Rodale Books, September 2009). "You must, through word or deed, say no to get to the yes you crave."
When the potential for romance between two people begins to bubble, and you find yourself envisioning the pair of you in coat tails and Vera Wang, "what you do or, more important, what you don't do will have lasting repercussions," she argues.
Surely that's an antiquated idea, outdated ever since The Secret told you all you had to do was to say "yes." So why not call it date five, and go hear him play those four new songs he wrote about his ex-girlfriend? Why not Facebook friend him? Why not act? I Think I've Found The One. What Happens Next?
Well, if you want something: wait. That's the new creed. And it makes sense in these particular times, when instant availability can often mean becoming uninteresting fast. She writes:
In this low-rise, instant-messaging world, everything and everyone is ready to wiggle, giggle and hang at any given moment. Pants graze hips, and shirts ride rib cages; virtually anyone can be contacted in a second, no matter where they are or what they're doing. Random desires can be typed and sent in an impetuous nanosecond, arriving with a beep to the object of desire.
With all this in-your-face-here-you-go-I'm-on-my-way yessing, never before has there been so much for the taking and giving and never have so many been unhappy once taken or gotten.
You will learn that getting what you want often depends on your willingness to go without it—your gamble that a short burst of initial rejection will get you your much-longed-for sustained embrace.
Discussion
This is not playing games, it's playing it smart. It's fine to let a guy know you're interested, but living your own life will prove to him that you're not clingy, needy or easy. It proves that you have self-respect, and in turn, will respect him. If a guy is really interested in you, it will turn him on to know that you are choosy and not desperately comprimising yourself in the hope of finding love. If he's just looking to get laid, he will soon look elsewhere, and you can be grateful that you weren't taken for a fool and used. If you have to ask yourself if a guy is really interested, then he probably isn't.
A happily married woman (of my own age, no less) once told me "if he's the right man for you, he won't screw it up". I wish I had heard that message when I was younger and trying to prove to men that I was worthy of their love. Because I didn't see my own worth, the man (men) I loved didn't see it, either. I am much more confident and yes, HAPPY, now that I have realized that. I value myself, my life, and my time, and I'm looking forward to meeting the man who feels the same way about me. Of course, I will value him even more. It's a win-win scenario.
"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry" (author unknown)
This is a bad idea. You can try and spin it any way you like, it is still playing games, and we want to avoid that, right? I understand the fear of expressing emotions too early, but avoiding calls,saying your busy when you are not and acting like you could take or leave it does not have anything to do with moving into a relationship to fast. It is disrespectful and dishonest. What does that say about you? By doing that, the only assurance you have is that they will move on to someone else. It is not a bad thing to be available if you are actually available. After all, you like them and want to talk to them and see them, right? If they do not respond well to that, or use it against you, then you know they are not for you. Give thanks for finding out you are not compatible before you get too emotionally involved and move on.
Women are too eager to try and date like men. Why would you want to ask out a man who risks letting you go by not asking you out himself? I agree with the author. Women have to acknowledge their worth and show men that that worth needs to be valued.
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Okay, I can see the sense in this. I'm not one for games, but this isn't about the antiquated idea of playing hard to get or waiting 3 days to call. People should be taking a little more time to get to know each other...its just not so easy when we're excited by the newness of the whole situation.
