Snapshot: I was three months pregnant with my first child. I was on my knees in front of the toilet bowl, having just thrown up for the sixth time that day. Suddenly, movement at the bathroom door caught my eye.
He was standing there. Naked. Touching himself.
"Are you done yet?" he asked impatiently. "C'mon baby—let's get it on." Read: Having A Baby Improved My Sex Life
My stomach lurched. Tears filled my eyes. "I'll be there in second," I replied looking down. I pulled myself up off the floor, brushed my teeth and proceeded to our bedroom to fulfill my 'wifely duty.'
That pivotal event haunted me for the rest of my seven-year marriage. Anger surged towards him: How dare he expect sex when I'm obviously sick as a dog from carrying his child? Then, anger surged towards me: Why don't you just damn well say 'no'?
But then the excuses and placations settled in: "Don't be so selfish Delaine. You know sex is very important to him. You should feel lucky that he desires you much, even when you're at you're worst. It's not his fault you have morning sickness." Read: Does A Marriage Ever Recover From Lack Of Sex?
From that day forward, I didn't just 'tolerate' having sex with my ex-husband, I hated it. But it was my best kept secret. I thought there was something 'wrong with me,' like he accused. If I ever said no, he retaliated by ignoring me, barking at me, being grumpy. I hated the tension, I hated the disconnect. So I made a choice: to give in.
Smiling, pretending, I chose to stuff my feelings inside me and serve him my body like a plate of chicken. Read: Why You Shouldn't Fake An Orgasm
I thought it was such a small price to pay to keep him happy. Afterwards, I'd literally find him whistling around the house and more than willing to help out with chores. There are more important things in a marriage than sex, I told myself. You need to be grateful for the many other blessings of your life. For yes, my ex was indeed a good man.
Read the rest of this post at First Wives World.
—Written by Delaine Moore for First Wives World
More from First Wives World: