Does A Marriage Ever Recover From Lack Of Sex?
Sure, sex isn't everything. But a complete lack of it could spell the end of a marriage.
It's been pounded into our heads for eons that a.) sex shouldn't be the basis of a relationship b.) looks fade and c.) sex naturally slows the longer you're coupled up. (After all, our parents don't have sex. Do they? Do they?) So at first blush a sexless (or mainly sexless) marriage for a couple who've seen each naked for 25 years doesn't seem like too much of a stretch, does it? Libidos diminish and whatnot, right? Marriage Rx: The Silent Treatment
Well, The New York Times ran a Q and A with Georgia State sociology professor Denise A. Donnelly who is very successfully building a case that a sexless marriage may not only be a deciding factor for divorce, but a state that a marriage has little chance of ever recovering from.
"Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being," she says.
But big picture, it may not be lack of sex but unequal desire that causes problems. If both parties are pleased as punch being platonic bedmates, than fair enough. But more realistically, one wants sex and the other is resistant. Even more, after a partner's advances have been thwarted off one too many times, Donnelly says the marriage has little chance of recovering. Marriage Sex & Seperation, Adultry.
"In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages...some do [recover from a sexless marriage] But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it."
Indeed, it seems those suffering from a sexless marriage might be doing themselves a favor by moving on.
"Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations," she says. "I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling."
Discussion
It wouldn't be out of place to take into consideration children. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that children come to our life with the only mission- to spoil their parent's sexual life;) Nope. But when the baby is arrived woman are so exhausted that it's usually hard for them to engage in their normal sexual activities, to bring novelties, think about spicing the life with sex toys, perform the fantasies....hormones have changed and they need all their love for the child.
So, it would be reasonable to think about sex before CHILD (not marriage) and after....
Very good issues brought up in article, and very good points in your comment Mama. I believe the article only whets the appetite for further delving into the subject and some additional reading references seem to have been provided.
I agree with much of what is in the article. I personally have found that 'having small children' is no reason to have ony limited sexual relations as even when the kids(3) were small, ranging from infancy to 11yrs old we still had sex quite frequently. Perhaps in many couples that also is used as an excuse to avoid other issues reguarding no-sex.
As with most couples, there have been times when there has been little or no sex due to communications issues such as anger and resentment. My (now-ex) wife would frequently withold sex if she was feeling upset or slighted about something with me. Sometimes this would go on for weeks or longer. Fortunately we had started counseling for our middle child due to A-D/H-D issues which dictated us meeting with the counselor which then started US having our own counseling sessions for OUR relationship.
One very important item the counselor addressed was that even if one partner doesn't feel particularly in the mood(never me-lol) it often helps to submit to sex for the partner as one will often be surprised that once the activity begins arrousal and enjoyment will take over and then you WILL be in the mood. She additionally said that sometimes she would be tired and sleeping when her husband comes home and she had no problem with him geting into bed and slipping in from the rear position while she was still half asleep. She said she knew that even those intimate relations were important for the intamacy of the marriage on a whole and said that witholding sex for whatever reasons(of course there are legitimate reasons when there IS no sex) only furthered emotional distance's. My wife had been of the opinion that we would only have sex when she felt her emotional needs were being met which often snowballed. So in essence the counselor (assertive middle aged professional woman) was saying that SEX could be a way of repairing certain relationship problems and drawing us closer together when there were rifts. Susan respected the womans advice although it completely contradicted her own previous beliefs that sex happens as a RESULT of good relations. It did make a big difference.
Sadley as many more years went by, that philosiphy was disreguarded and again there were significant periods of no sex. However, no matter how bad things had been between the two of us at times-having sex ,usually with my persistance,(I hate to grovel for sex and believe honoring a womans reluctance is sacred)having SEX most often could draw us together enough to work on differences. Whether that is the motivating factor or not, I believe most couples will agree having sex often leads the way for better relations.
So although lack of sexual relations often is not what is at the root of maritial problems as it is often always just a symptom of the problem, It CAN help to solve the problem.
I wonder if no sex is the cause of the problems, or just a sign. If you're not happy in your relationship, you're not going to have sex.
I wish the woman they interviewed made more of a distinction between the couples who were sexless for different reasons. Surely a couple who is having less sex because their children are small and keep them up at night will feel differently from a couple that's just given up on sex.
I don't think she really knows if sexless couples turn the situation around or not. It doesn't seem like she studied that from the interview.
And to defend the religious right, I think they really encourage married couples to have sex. I've read one author who talks about it in terms of you've given your bodies to each other, you should not deny sex (unless you're tired or sick).
