Learning To Love The Man, Not His Money
In my own experience, money is easier to love, but sometimes, the man is worth much more than his bank account.
In early January 2009, I figured it was time for my guy to meet my mom. It had been seven months and she was beginning to think that I had something to hide. (I didn't, but before him, I'd been single for six years. I put this relationship at a speed somewhere between frozen turtle and crawling backwards.) He picked out a nice seafood restaurant and I'm pretty sure (from what I haven't blocked out) that I spent a good deal of the evening wishing for more Tanqueray (as I was cut off... evil people in this world).
Everything was going pretty well until my mother (whom I love—with clenched teeth) brought up a very touchy topic for me. She asked him if his family would think that I'm a gold digger (or GD). She asked him that, upon their first meeting, at dinner, while I was trapped in a booth with an empty tumbler. I don't recall the rest of the evening. I simply remember being embarrassed.
I won't lie, I've thought about it. I've thought about how his daughter would feel about a less-than-wealthy woman (9 years her senior) hanging out with her not-close-to-broke dad. In fact, I thought about it when we first met. I was a service writer at the shop where he brought his company vehicle to be serviced. I bet he probably was aware of my average salary.
When we went out to dinner for the first time, we went to a tapas lounge. I got there before him and outside of work it was obvious that he had a lot going on for him. Since I worked around cars, I could tell by his keychain that he owned multiple nice cars, but I refrained from saying anything (lest I have to mention "The Blackmobile", my '94 Probe). When we went out to our cars (I was rollin' in mom's '07 Maxima) he asked me what I thought of his Windstar. I told him that it looked nicer than my car. That's when he let me in on the "secret" that his own cars were a Yukon and BMW. (I felt really poor when I went home that night.) He used this as a gauge for women and how gold-diggerish they were (I guess I passed). When Money Masks Couples' Real Problems
Soon, he let me in on his salary (about 5x mine), his houses, and other things. This was most likely due to a message I sent him that I thought we were too different and I didn't have a lot to bring to the table. I was glad that he didn't (and doesn't) seem to care, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel inadequate. Once I made it to his house, it didn't get better. He has lots of things that I want. Flat screen HDTVs, jewelry, even shoes that each have their own little special bags. His toilet paper gets beautified and folded by the maids, and his earrings are almost ludicrous.
There was an invite for a cruise, but I didn't go because I couldn't afford to go. He would have paid for my ticket, but I've tried to have a different outlook concerning men and money, and that involves not letting men make major purchases. It's been a mindset years in the making, beginning in my childhood.
But guys, I've had my baggage for so long, it's like my buddy now. Just kidding! I'm working through this. I do give him massages, I support him when he plays baseball, I paid last time we went out. He asked if I would want to get married again (not as a proposal, but I suppose he's laying a foundation). He says he wants to marry someone who doesn't work so he'll have someone to travel with. With this in mind, I understand that I have no choice but to put my money hangups aside. I'd go to therapy, but right now I can't afford to. This relationship has forced me to completely rethink my whole ideal of dating and loving someone, and to be honest with you guys, I find I very scary to let go and accept a new way of thinking. Is he worth my troubles? Yes, and that's why I'm committed to searching myself and improving myself. He obviously thinks I'm worth all the effort he puts into our relationship, and I'm sure that together we will establish what we both feel is an equitable exchange in our relationship. I thank you all for your comments, you always give me something to think about.
This sounds terrible, but I am not always a very trusting person. If you get into a relationship where you're not going to be working, you need to have some kind of account that is yours for emergencies. At least until you've been together a while.
Actually, I think it's good that you're resisting taking expensive things from him. It's a very delicate issue if you're not married or living together. I know I would feel very weird taking the gift of a cruise from someone. I suspect this guy actually likes it too.
But maybe you could figure out ways to give back to him that aren't sex or money. Making him a nice meal. Give him a massage. Plan a cheap date somewhere (picnic or whatever). Give him some kind of handmade gift. A book of coupons. Buy some kind of game and play it with him. I'm not sure what you two like, but the main idea is that you give him your time and effort to show that you appreciate what he is giving you. That way you might not feel so obligated if he gives you an expensive thing.
I dated a girl like you, not too long ago. Actually, I should say I dated a girl who is like you were. She hasn't learned that there is more to being loved than getting gifts, and she knew I was getting only a little better than minimum wage while I was going to school full time during the day and working full time at a graveyard shift.
I would suggest 2 things, because the guy you are with sounds like a real keeper and you sound like you genuinely care for him, but you're just a little confused because of this new-ish outlook on what it means to give and recieve love.
If you haven't done so, talk with the guy about it. He deserves to have some back ground info after being with you for a year and seeing you shoot down all the experiences that he wants to share with you.
The second part is a lot harder, mostly because of you not having a job, but also because its hard to schedule stuff when you have kids...go and get some therapy. You recognize that you have some major baggage that your dad blessed you with. A therapist can really help you out a lot with finding a path towards what you want. This guy doesn't sound like a "tit-for-tat" kinda guy. He sounds like a really great guy who just happens to have some really good financial resources. If he is wanting to share his life and new experiences with you then you've learned by now its not because he is trying to buy your love or affection...he is just sharing his exuberance with you.
So stop letting old baggage hold you back from living your life!
You've got to let it go. You are getting so hung up on the money that you are holding back in the relationship. You are getting "sick" and feeling "cheap" when he does nice things for you. It doesn't sound like this guy is treating you like a GD, rather he is just treating you like a person.
Often when I tell people what I do they smile and tell me its a good thing I married "rich." I don't think the wage disparity is as big as you and your SO. But its other people's assessment of my reasons for loving my DH that kill me. My mom's even accused me of sacrificing love for stability. Oh PUHLEEZE! Look, you need to get to a place were you can feel comfortable being with him and loving him despite the money. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, talk to him. Tell him what your mom said and tell him about your fears. But after that, tell him you love him too much to let all of that baggage get in the way of your relationship and that you are going to let it go. And do it.
Money is baggage just as much as sex is baggage. Don't let it slow you down.
