Which Love Language Do You Speak?
Learning how to express your love is the key to a happy relationship.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably been let down by a significant other who failed to love you properly—as in the way you needed and expected to be appreciated.
One friend's boyfriend would tell her he loved her more regularly than Google makes a new hire. Yet, on Valentine's Day, he failed to produce a gift. My friend began to sob. Why? "It means he didn't care enough to find one," she bawled. Her conclusion: He must not love her after all.
Maybe your husband does surprise you with just-because gifts, but you'd give anything for him to skip one late night at the office to spend an evening at home.
Behind these crossed wires, says Gary Chapman, PhD, best-selling author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, lies one key miscommunication: We each speak one primary love language, and unless your partner expresses affection in the one that's meaningful to you, he might as well be whispering sweet nothings in Sanskrit.
There are five languages, Chapman says: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. "Most couples don’t speak the same one," he explains, "but feeling loved is the deepest emotional need we have." Watch—and learn from—three couples on the verge of a breakthrough. 3 Things You Can Do Right Now to Reconnect
Couple #1
Lena, 31, and Ethan, 35
She wants: Quality Time
He gives: Gifts
A few months ago at a party, Ethan overheard his wife, Lena, describe a bracelet she had been fantasizing about for months. When her birthday came, he found it, bought it, and nearly burst with pride as she opened the box. To his surprise, Lena's eyes welled with tears—and not of joy.
What was she thinking? Well, roughly, this: "You idiot! If you really loved me, you'd give me your time, not diamonds." To Lena, each stone represented a night her husband had canceled on her to work late. She would trade each diamond for a minute of his BlackBerry-free attention.
Ethan was baffled—and angered—by her reaction. "I work my butt off so I can afford gifts like this for her," he fumed. "I put thought into them. But apparently that just isn't good enough."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Gifts shouldn’t replace expressing love in Lena's love language, which is quality time. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled, and Lena's is empty.
The couple should put aside 15 minutes each day to connect. Ethan may initially drag his feet for fear "15 minutes" will turn into two hours, but that won't happen once Lena knows that time will be carved out every day.
Discussion
I really like Dr. Chapman's strategies. I have read a couple of his books and have found them helpful in communicating with my beloved. I especially like his term "love tank". It's a great way to check in on each other by just asking "hey honey, how's your love tank today" it may sound corny, but so far it works.
I would prefer a man who shows he cares more than he says he does. Actions speak WAY louder than words if you ask me.
Hey. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
I am from Montenegro and also am speaking English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "Online publishing provides new opportunities for freelancers, writers and aspiring authors."
8-) Thanks in advance. Katina.
i wish to fine true love, a soul mate and a companion. someone who will love and cherish me no matter what happens.love is the greatest need of a woman.
Valentine's Day is a horror created by advertisers to make men's lives miserable. Diamond commercials should be banned. If I love my sweetie, I don't need some dickish "Every Gift Begins at Hanes" commercial to ask me to shell out my entire savings account while this economy goes down the tubes. Bite me!
I wouldn't say German is the language of love! 'I love you' in German is 'Ich Liber Dich'. If someone came up to me and said that my first reaction might be to throw up my arms and shout 'I surrender'.
There are longer surveys for finding your primary love language out there. I must say I was surprised when I found out what my primary love langauge was, although it made sense after I thought about it.
I think "speaking the same language" is such an amazing place to get to with your partner, but it is CERTAINLY hard work and takes much open, honest conversation
I thought Italian was the language of love. Then this chick told me it was French. But you guys are talking about something different. I guess sometimes you just gotta put in effort or fake like you did.
Is that it? A weak little blurb with not much substance, no way to tell what category one or ones partner is in. Weak.
Valentine's Day was hit or miss.. I used to put so much effort into planning the perfect night.. and then had amazing sex to close the deal.. what I found... I can save myself a lot of stress and headache with just a nice dinner and a single rose... the sex is just as good
amazing. my boyfriend speaks "words of affirmation", while I'm fluent in gifts. but now that i know, i've let him off the hook—mo re or less—this Valentine's Day.
Me! I hate diamonds.....make me a card, dinner, take me to a picnic. The diamonds get thrown into a box and forgotten, but I have all my cards and memories he ever gave me. Can't remember which diamond was for what. Though one year for each occasion he gave me a mobius bracelet with my favorite prayer or quote and I wear them everyday. The fact he found such a unique gift and actually remembered that these prayers were my inspiration for life is amazing. Simple, inexpensive, and showed he was paying attention. Most of all he finally got that I'm not a material girl but that simple pleasures are the best!
using this strategy has made my relationship with my husband much better. now i know what kind of gifts he needs and appreciates and vice versa. turns out, he dosn't care about the material presents--he'd much prefer words of affirmation.