Rebound Relationships: A Man's Approach
Go inside the boys' club: read advice written for guys and learn how men approach rebound dating.
Women are the traditional consumers of self-help books, but guys need advice too. And what better way to find out what goes on inside his head than to read advice written by and for men? (Some might say you could ask him, but where's the fun in that?)
In this spirit we bring you this piece by men's lifestyle expert, Oliver "Ali" Nejad, who fills you in on how men approach rebound relationships.
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Rebound! No, I'm not referring to the inflated number on Ben Wallace's stat line, but rather that tricky follow up relationship to the one you recently ended. Rebounds can be great, and they can also be awful; it all depends on how you go about them. So as usual, I'm here to shepherd you safely through the dawn of a new day with the following personally tested tips...
1. No sob stories! It never ceases to amaze me how despite most men's innate better judgment, they always think that discussing their ex with the rebound girl will somehow be a good idea. I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you're from this school of thought you probably also spend at least $365 a year on Lotto tickets. Sure, she'll really get to know you-and know she wants little do with you at the same time. Would you want to sit down and listen to some girl on the rebound go on and on about her ex boyfriend? No! It didn't work for Mikey from Swingers (Jon Favreau) in the trailer scene and it won't work for you-so avoid discussing your past relationship! Failure to exercise self-restraint in this regard could leave you feeling bad about not one, but two failed flings. Answer: How to get over this ugly break up?
2. Tell it like it is. Most men aren't forthcoming about being on the rebound because they fear rejection. Trouble with not doing so however, is that most women exercise most of their caution in the trust arena, and once they get a sense that you've failed to be forthcoming or have been disingenuous with respect to your circumstances-you're done. So rather than pretend you're boarding the flight with nothing but carry-on, let RG (Rebound Girl) know there's some checked baggage. Face it, you're sorta damaged goods, but if you let her know exactly what she's getting into (like: "I just got out of a relationship") then the choice to be involved is hers, and you can't be blamed if you get back with the ex or aren't ready to settle in with her down the line. Not to mention some women actually enjoy the idea that you may not be after something serious!
3. Play the field. I recommend approaching the rebound in pluralistic fashion for a few reasons. Chances are that RG is among the first women that you got any play from since your last relationship. To ensure that your affinity for her has something to do with her and not just her timing, stack her against other options. Read: 5 Ways To Turn Down A Second Date
Discussion
I appreciate the author's take on rebounds, but I think we need to address the period between the breakup and the first date. IMO this is an important time for assessment, recovery and healing that all too often is overlooked or dismissed, especially by guys.
I think men and women need to take some time off between relationships to re-establish their equilibrium and gain a sense of wellbeing. Jumping right back into the dating pool, with booze in hand and/or just for sex, only blunts the pain, obscures the root causes and and delays a full recovery. Such poor choices also increase the chances of repeating past mistakes, if not the refusal to admit there ever were any.
The glimmering truth: No relationship ends because just one person got it wrong. We have to face what we did (or didn't do) that contributed to its demise and fix it, however long it takes. The goal is twofold. One is to become the better person, friend and partner that we know we can/should/must be the next time around. The other goal is to reach the point of not feeling like we have a big void to fill, but instead have a great deal of love to give, before we start over with somebody new.
All this takes time: nature's best healer. The length of time required depends on the individual and the nature, depth and length of the old relationship. Generally, the longer you were in it, the more time you should take to work through its demise. (IMO it is essential to take time off after a death or divorce and/or when children are involved, and irresponsible not to do so.) If it takes days, weeks, months or years to assess the damage and make the necessary repairs, then so be it.
It also requires being by yourself for awhile. Quiet and sober introspection can be a very lonely and painful experience -- facing our inner demons alone is never easy -- but it is a necessary process so we can truly heal, recover and move on successfully. Fact: Dragging old baggage around is exhausting, time-consuming and expensive in every way. Unpacking it so you can travel more lightly through life is smarter and healthier -- but sort through your stuff in private. Hang loosely with your family and friends.
All of the above takes character, maturity and courage. If you need more than faith, family, friends or support groups to help you, then get professional counseling. In the long run, it's less trouble and a lot cheaper than making more bad relationship choices.
To summarize: Airlines charge fees for excess baggage. So do the people you meet and deal with every day. Take the time to learn how to travel with just one carry-on.
Since I AM the rebound girl in my man's new life, he was fresh out of a badly ended relationship, I wanted to write and say that most of the article is correct but some talk about the old relationship may not be bad. We met online, when we met in person we caught on together like wildfire; part of that depended on telling the truth about our past relationships, although not more than needed to be said. The future looks very bright to both of us, we plan to marry. It is best to live in the here and now and look forward.
What about just waiting and giving yourself some time to breathe and grieve? Let yourself breathe from having been in a relationship for some period of time, and grieve over it because it is a loss. The author is right on not spilling your guts about your last relationship, but at the same time, you have to acknowledge (at some point) that there is hurt, so you should grieve the loss of your last relationship. The only way that happens is if you give yourself time.
Never was a big believer in the rebound. For myself, I rarely, if ever, looked for something casual, so I always dealt with the baggage before getting into a relationship. I can understand the appeal for some people, but it just never really made any sense to me.
Aren't we ALL at one point a rebound? Regaurdless if it happens days or weeks after said breakup, there will always be another relationship AFTER the one that has ended. The point is to not treat the rebound disrespectfully. If you are going on and on and on about your ex, you would have more luck picking someone up at the hospital in a coma. Anyone who drags the bad relationship on by exceedingly gabbing about the faults of the other, needs to be locked up in a room and left there until some sense finally crawls into their egocentric, feeble mind. Let it go. And discuss if you just want a fling. It will save both parties a lot of confussion. (sorry all, I am a self proclaimed horrible speller!)
