Guide To Getting Lucky In The Lavatory

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bathroom sex
Shecky's has a list of sexiest bathrooms in New York City. We'll tell you how to do it.

Are you familiar with Shecky's? It's sort of a younger person's version of the Zagat's Guide (maybe a bit down-market but also more fun, who's even counting?). As part of this fun-fun-fun (‘til your daddy takes your T-Bird away), Shecky's regularly throws a kick-ass Girl's Night Out (spa stuff, booze, swag bag, dancing, and other stuff chicks like). But they also provide the rest of us (dudes and eunuchs, mostly) with lots of great info that a more "upstanding" brand might gloss over. To wit: bathrooms to have sex in. Read: World's Sexiest Hotel Bathrooms

Shecky's list of "best New York toilets in which to get ass" is distinguished. Ideally, this list won't ruin these places for thrill-seekers by making the staff more vigilant. Who am I kidding? These places are designed for these amorous maneuvers. The combination of expensive décor (not to mention the pricy nectar and ambrosia) and door policies that largely keep the unattractive out makes me guess that the owners, designers and fire marshall are all in on it. There was a rumor a while back about a security camera filming Tom Brady and Gisele (the Brady Bundch) getting it on in the washroom of a high-end eatery. Good times.

Here's a very quick guide to getting lewd in the loo:

  1. Ladies, wear a skirt. I shouldn't have to explain this.
  2. Leave separately. While there will be no doubt where you went, we're not animals.
  3. Leave as much stuff at the table as possible. If you both disappear and take your belongings, the waiter is thinking dine and dash. Also, that clutter is just going to get in the way.
  4. Try to find a handicap stall. Please don't go all Larry David on me, it's despicable using a stall designated for the infirm for selfish needs. On the other hand, those rails can come in handy (no pun anywhere in there).
  5. Clean up as best you can. Seriously, be a solid citizen. Plus give yourself a once or twice over, for some reason the words Bill Clinton and blue dress are spurting around.
  6. Tip everyone. If there is a bathroom attendant, slip him a finsky (or more). I know, I know, he should be paying you for that show. Also, juke up your tip for the waiter a bit, your quickie may slow down his table turnover and that's like messing with his emotions, Smoky.
  7. Be as courteous as having sex in the bathroom will allow. Remember those cheerleaders who punched that lady in the face because she was peeved because their fooling around was stressing her bladder.
  8. Don't be a hero. A beautiful young New York resident named Josh Hartnett was once rumored to have a ménage a trois in a skeevy Lower East Side bathroom stall. The event is spoken of with reverence.

Have fun. Sure, you may get kicked out of the hotel, bar or restaurant-type place, but it was probably worth it.

Note: If you're by yourself, do not use a "wide stance" to entice the neighboring stall into anything. That's a good way to get thrown in a Minneapolis jail.