The Key To A Sexy Marriage
The secret to a happy marriage, as described by a wise sex therapist.
Esther Perel looks like the New York couples therapist from Central Casting. Married for a zillion years, mother of two, trim as an arrow—if you have to talk to a stranger about your sex life, she’ll do just fine.
And she's got pop credentials: Her recent book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & The Domestic, got warm reviews. But woe be to couples who bring her their problems without reading her first. They ask: If novelty is the key to hot sex, doesn't monogamy kill it? Can a Mom who starts her day packing Cheerios in a lunchbox become a vixen at night? Why doesn't intimacy guarantee good sex? Then come the surprises, for Perel's approach to couples therapy is light years from Dr. Phil's. Jesse Kornbluth asked her the questions that a new client might.
JK: Bill Maher says that when you're married, you need a cue to have sex.
EP: There is no sex without a cue. People who date have their cues at home, before they meet. You think about where to go, what to eat, what to do and say. Sometimes the cue is short—just before we reach the bar—but sex is never just spontaneous. Spontaneity is a myth.
JK: The Daters may not know that. The 'Marrieds' do. And I'm sure a great many of them believe that marital sex is a loop, a movie they've lived before—and they get nostalgic for the yes, yes, yes of dating.
EP: In dating, if you say no, your lover goes on to the next person. In marriage, if you say no, the person stays. The attraction of dating is that you don't take yes for granted—you're fully engaged, there’s seductiveness, tension. In committed sex, in marriage, people don't feel the need to seduce or to build anticipation—that's an effort they think they no longer need to do now that they have conquered their partner. If they're in the mood, their partner should be too.
JK: Let's get practical. What’s the way to exciting sex in marriage?
EP: You must elicit the other person’s desire. And not just five minutes before. You know what happens to sex in marriage? Instead of inviting desire, you monitor it. Especially men: You let her sleep late, you take the kids to the park, and all that time you’re thinking, "Tonight I'll get some." That doesn’t work.
JK: Let's get mental. How does a soccer mom change from a drudge in an apron to a hottie? Drugs? Alcohol?
Discussion
The key to a sexy marriage: Before a woman gets married, make sure your man is a giver as well as a receiver. Have sex whenever he wants and if he is a giver, you will want it too.
The article was informative. I am the one giving the cues or flat out asking to get lucky. I hope to spark more intimacy in our home. His job is 24 hours and I think I should be first once I have put the kids to bed.
I think this lady ha few good idea's stated but a lot of this article shows the moral decline of the American public. Cheating should be left up to the individuals to decide? This goes against the whole concept of marriage in the first place. Yes, people are to commit themselves whole heartedly in all area's and that takes a lot of constant work and disapline. Marriage is to be for life, come what may. Divorces will always happen, and some are necessary, but should not ever be looked at as being accepted. again marriage is for life, not just "well if it goes well I'll stay" but even though I committed my life to you earlier I really did not mean it so I'll be seeing you. When a person is married the idea of loss should not be a question on anyones mind, and the question should not appear until the person is gone. This kind of mentality is the main reason our society has a 50% divorce rate for first marriages and 80 for second. By the way not everywhere in the world is this true. Only in countries that have this disposable liberal mentality.
There are a few good pointers here, too few. Too many answers telling us what not to do, instead of what TO do. Too many effervescent, abstract replies that are of no pragmatic value. The last line "it isn't about where his hand is, its about where he can take you" or something equally unhelpful. Sometimes the difference between lukewarm and hot sex is exactly where his hand is (or isn't).
I like a number of things she's saying, like that there are a zillion ways of cheating a partner, not just sexual infidelity. Or that we can never really "have" our partner, that "safety" is an illusion. Very true, very common sense, but also very rare.
My sex life was a disaster from the beginning. Vasectomy didn't help me either.
We are all just bits of energy searching for a surge. That's it. That's all.