Living Alone And Loving It
Why should couples have to live together?
Here are the things I know for sure: I sleep better with socks on; I prefer Dutch chocolate to Swiss; I look lousy in black and will always wear it anyway; and I will never, ever live with a man again.
Ever since I was a small child, I've wondered why people should have to live together. It's wonderful when you want to be together, mind you, but what about when you don't? Doesn't it make more sense to have the option, either way?
I'm not talking about families here, of course; obviously children need to be with their parents and parents need one another's help with the kids (though I think in principle it might not be a bad idea for each parent to get a day or two off every week). But for everyone else, I just don' t see the point.
Not that I haven't done it. For better or worse—and there's always way too much "worse" for my taste—I've lived with three men in my life: one at the age of 22, one at 35, and one at 38. In each case, it took about a year and a half of living together, inescapably, day after day, until the relationship fell apart. I'd been crazy about these guys before that: two of them I'd even planned to marry. The third proposed to me while we were sharing a home, and I said no.
I can figure that one out.
And so I've determined: I keep my place, he keeps his. Instant two-home family. I'm a person who values solitude; when I'm on a writing spree I can go weeks without seeing him. The silence is transcendent. There is no one moving books around, leaving socks on floors, misplacing ashtrays. No one dictates what time I eat or peeks through a door to catch me in the ungainly act of picking at a zit; no deliciously warm and tantalizing body lures me back into bed when the alarm goes off at 4 am and I should be—and want to be—writing.
Unless I want it that way.
My current boyfriend is one of the men I once lived with. Since then, he's moved from our tiny apartment to a house—a real house, with three bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, an upstairs and a down. Sometimes I spend a few days there at a time. It is always difficult to leave. It is also always great to come home—at once comforting, liberating, exciting, even. What adventures await me here, in my own place, in the soft white whispers of my own private sanctuary, between my pen and my notebooks and me? There are days I scarcely leave my desk. I don't have to. I don't want to. And that's the end of it.
This time, our relationship is working. I get the best of both the single life and the coupled life.
Including the romance: We make dates. When he arrives, I am showered and combed and my lipstick is fresh. Some might say that this isn't real life, but it's our real life. When he kisses me, even after seven years together (on and off), it's new; it's our first date, or a second, or a third. There is never a moment when we are together by hazard, just because we happen to live in the same house. We spend time with one another because we want to.
Discussion
For some of us, living alone wasn't a choice - it was thrust upon us by a mate deciding there were greener pastures elsewhere. However, the longer you're alone (and it's VERY hard at first when you're accustomer to having a male do the "male" things), the more you grow to like it until finally you wouldn't give it up for anything. I agree - if you have children, this is not an option - they are your priority until they leave. However, once that time comes, I believe more women should explore the possibility of truly becoming an independent woman. You don't really know your own likes and dislikes until you have no one to answer to but yourself. Not everyone needs a "partner," and sometimes it 's almost almost exactly like having a business partner - you must seek approval from the other person before any major planning can be done whether it's a vacation, financial obligation, holiday plans, spontaneous purchases, decorating and on and on and on. This is called "consideration" of the your partner's wishes and is necessary if you've made an agreement to be a couple (living together or not - business partner or not). I've often said to my daughter (when she's having a conflict with her husband over his playing golf) that I don't believe one adult should have to get permission from another adult for anything they want to do. I come and go as I please. I make purchases and decisions that many would say are foolhardy but have rarely regretted any of my actions. If I'm in trouble financially because of wrong choices, I'm the one who has to get everything straightened out - I don't have any type of a safety net. I've discovered that I am definitely a risk taker and, creatively, it's only helped me in my projects. Courage now springs from deep inside me and it comes from truly being free. Sometimes I'm still afraid that I 'm going to make terrible mistakes but I plunge ahead anyway and become stronger when I enjoy the fruits of making sometimes very scary decisions that work out. I don't have any type of significant other and have had people ask me if I'm a lesbian. If they know me at all, they know that I'm not. As time goes on, you become more confident and start truly not caring what label people put on you. If I would ever hook up with a man again, I would definitely keep my own house and he would keep his. It would be nice to have a companion to attend functions with but I'm totally accustomed to going solo now. If I want to see a concert or a play, I buy two tickets and treat whoever wants to go with me to a ticket. They usually buy dinner for both of us. I figure if I was married, I'd probably buy two tickets for us anyway. This way, I have my choice of who will actually like a show that I like. Good luck to anyone who's contemplating this life style. It's not easy but it's the most satisfying thing you'll ever do - learning about who you really are and growing into whatever person you are meant to be.
After my divorce, I swore I'd never live with anyone else again. Three years single and a year dating, and I feel the same way. I love my current Mister, and he loves me, but unlike my younger self in younger relationships, I have no desire to rush into living together. We idly discuss selling my home or his condo every so often, but I am simply not ready or willing right now.
Right now, I don't have anyone to worry about but myself. I don't have to clean up after anyone but myself and my pets. I don't have to get someone else's dishes out of the sink and into the dishwasher. I don't have to get anyone's underwear off the floor and into the laundry basket. I don't have to negotiate who gets the shower (and the hot water) first. I don't have to worry about what to cook for dinner. I can go to bed at 7PM or 3AM and not worry about disrupting anyone else's schedule.
And even better, NOT living together has made me appreciate him more - it makes the times we do see each other that much more important and meaningful. I wouldn't rush off to live together to save my life.
hi there,
i can relate to your love for solitude and the enjoyment of your own company as i love this, too.
although, i have a very different relationship to the one that you have. my boyfriend often hops on planes, flying here and there. This is the time that i get to relish in the sanctuary of careylove. when he is home and we're together, and i mean together as we both work from home, i love and cherish that time, also.
life and relationships are to be enjoyed, in every moment, whether we are just with ourselves or the ones we love.
i think it is great that you enjoy your own company, but i am wondering whether you are enjoying this because the alternative has always ended in disaster? mahatma ghandi once said ....
your beliefs become your thoughts
your thoughts become your words
your words become your actions
your actions become your habits
your habits become your values
your values become your destiny
sending you lots of love
careylove
ps. i love your writing style xx
I love living with my husband. I love sleeping next to him every night. I love having someone to talk to every evening when we come home. I love having someone around when I'm sick or tired or just depressed.
When we're apart, I love being able to do whatever I want whenever I want - for a few hours. Then I miss him and would gladly put up with whiskers in the sink and every other inconvenience.
There are lots of irritating things about living with someone else. You have to figure out compromises and adapt - you don't always get what you want. But working things out together doesn't just teach you how to get along with people - it makes you a stronger couple. I know that we can come up with solutions to our problems. I know that my husband loves me despite the fact that I don't clear my breakfast dishes from the table before dinner time. I know that he will stick with me and keep talking when we need to work something out.
I wouldn't force anyone to live with their honey, but I have a hard time believing a couple's love is as deep if they live apart forever. They can't work out who's going to unload the dishwasher, so they just avoid the conflict all together.
Romance that is still "alive" because you don't face difficult stuff together isn't as romantic as a couple who has made it through the trials of life and still loves each other.
Solitude is hard to come by when you have kids, but a couple living together can easily agree to leave each other alone and write in different rooms. If you can afford two separate places, you can afford a house with two studies. You can even put up a "do not disturb" sign, if you need to.
sounds a little self centered to me (i get that from the decision to mention that she turned down the marriage proposal, rather than just say that they didn't see it through, along with the rest of the article). I' m not saying that there is a problem with that, we all do It at times. But lets not pretend this is some wonderful, rebellious freedom she's talking about. If some one tells me "well, i like to do what i want to do when I want to do it", my first thought isn't to applaud them for it. If two people decide to live together, that's two people who would be giving up the freedom of living alone. Its a mutual sacrifice, and if you decide that you aren't willing to give that up for the person you're with, that's you're choice. But lets call it what it is.
I think your ideas is great, except that it is difficult to find a lady like yourself who is mature enough to take on a relationship like the one mentioned. I find it helpful to have my own personal time, it gives you that freedom and it almost feels that some weight is lifted off your shoulders when you do whatever you please.
Dear me, do you really think I'm that dumb?? Separate bedrooms has absolutely nothing to do with what this essay was about: your own time, your own rules, your own privacy, the sanctuary and quiet and stillness of a writer in her own space, and the freshness of time together when we are.
We're married now, btw. And we still live apart, so we can choose to be together when we want to - or not. But you can be certain that when we are, separate bedrooms is the last thing on our minds.
Actually, I think BigAl's suggestion for separate bedrooms would be one way to have privacy, a sanctuary, a quiet, still space for you to write. Woolf talks about needing a Room of One's Own, not a House of One's Own.
I'd probably go with separate studies not bedrooms, but you could do it either way. It would give you one place for your own rules, although you'd still have to make some compromises in the rest of the house.
Apart from the legal rights of marriage, how do you see this as different from friends with benefits or dating?
before my boyfriend and i moved in together we had each had our own place where we lived by ourselves. we're both very social people, but at the same time appreciate our alone time. but once we started to get more and more serious we were always spending out time together. if i was at my house, he was usually there. if he was at his apartment, i was on my way over. it got to the point where we were living together but both paying separate rents. then we moved away and moved in together. at first i was nervous because even though we spent every waking second together at home, we each had our own place where we could retreat to if need be. now, if one of us needs to escape as far as we can go is to the other bedroom. but, i found that for us, living together worked out great. we both work opposite schedules, so we don't have to worry about getting off work at the same time and each needing some wind down time to relax. when he gets off, i give him his space to wind down and he does the same for me. but it's great because for us i think it has brought us closer together. it's a much more intimate relationship when you live when someone because they do start to know EVERYTHING about you. but it does work best when you can each have a little time to yourself. if you're constantly bumping elbows with your boyfriend/new roommate, that's when things start to go south. make sure that you each get your alone time so that when you do get to spend time together at home, it's not just sitting on the couch reading a book.
Heck I wish my hubby felt this way...he is slowly realizing to just give me my "alone" time to write, craft, read a book, and even he can flip the tv channels all he wants lol...just not sure about the separate living conditions with the economy as it is....
I can certainly see the benefits of this sort of situation as far as keeping romance alive. But I'd never want it for myself. I want marriage and family and will do everything I can to keep the romance alive even with other people in the house!
I am so happy reading this article, and the posts that have followed. I am not alone! I can remember being in junior high, and telling my mother that if I ever get married, I want he and I to have houses next door to each other, not share one. At that young age, I didn't fully grasp what I was saying, I just knew what I meant. I never really changed my mind on that idea, but found myself moving in with a man when I was 23. I was happy with him when I moved in...I was extremely unhappy within 6 months. When I finally moved out 5 years later, (I know, horrible), my first night in my new place, while quiet and empty...felt SO wonderful. I have dated on and off since then, but seem to come up against a bit of trouble when I admit that I don't want to move in with someone or even if I ever want to be married. So far, I haven't found the guy that is open to that...maybe I never will. But one thing I do know...I'll always love my own space.
This article was very interesting considering I have recently realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I am 39 and just moved out of my ex's house.This is a bit scary, but I like the part about buying myself some roses, painting, and decorating...finding myself at 39...this I see can be a good thing.
I married at the age of 17...divorced at 21 and remarried at 21. I have never lived alone and now that I'm 39 and my son has moved out I have the burning desire to leave my controlling, smothering husband and be by myself. thanks for the comments because it just reconfirms my decision. For anyone who hasn't been told what your every move should be in your life....you wouldn't understand this. I'm scared because he has basically convinced me that he needs me and I don't make good decisions without him....I will prove him wrong..... the idea of decorating my own place(he's never let me do that) is so exciting.........................Las Vegas here I come!
I respect the author's opinion, but I don't think I would want that for myself. When i find my heart's true hero, I want to make a home and a life with him and have him be more than just a visitor in my home and my life, and be more than just a visitor in his home and life. If this arrangement makes other people happy, I say go for it, but I couldn't see that for myself
Finally! Clality! I really enjoyed your story. I too, have found peace and happiness in living alone. Being a "Baby Boomer" our logical path was to go steady, get engagged, get married and so on, and so on. But, even when I was well at least pre-teen I knew then, yes marriage I did want, but not the traditional type my parents had ( theirs was good, married for 45 yrs.) I was always very independent. Which was an issue in the "3" marriages I have had. Great men, no regrets. Friends with all 3. But, as my father stated to me, "Maybe you aren't the marrying kind". Well I suppose there are women like me who for whatever reason aren't the marrying kind ( not sure what exactly that means), but I have never felt that one needs a partner ( live in) whether married or not, to feel complete or whole. I have a friend(lover) who we see each other not often( long distance) which is perfect for the both of us. He has his place, I have mine. In closing, I feel we do need emotinal contections in life, I have found them in my family, friends ( male and female) but most importantly I have found strength, knowledge, happiness which who I am, living alone.
AWESOME! Although I've been engaged in the past, I've never married and alwased had my own place. As I always say, I love living alone, I just don't like being alone. If the place is a mess, it's my mess, and if it's clean, I made it that way. If there's no Diet Coke in the fridge, I drank the last one. The phone or the doorbell rings, I always know it's for me. I never have to wait for the bathroom. I never have to worry about someone using all the hot water. If I want company, I invite someone over or go visit someone. In a beautiful nutshell, my life is GOOD!! My boybriend of over a year thinks so too. :o)
AWESOME! As I always say, I love living alone, I just don't like being alone. If the place is a mess, it's my mess, and if it's clean, I made it that way. If there's no Diet Coke in the fridge, I drank the last one. The phone or the doorbell rings, I always know it's for me. I never have to wait for the bathroom. I never have to worry about someone using all the hot water. If I want company, I invite someone over or go visit someone. In a beautiful nutshell, my life is GOOD!! My boybriend thinks so too. :o)
Personally, I prefer having a mate to being alone AND I prefer to live with my mate. Honestly, cohabitation doesn't have to be the big, swooning DRAMA everybody makes it out to be as long as there is respect for each other's space, and "alone-time" for each partner is given priority. (I was an only child, so my alone-time and having my own space are very important to me!) Sharing a life and a home together doesn't have to mean sharing every square inch of space within that home and, even in a small home, there are lots of creative ways to have your own space. I've spent way too much of my life living alone, and I'm bloody well sick and tired of it!
As a man now living alone and who has lived through one 18 year marriage, and three live-in ladies over the past 24 years, through good and bad times I find that living alone is very much like what has been expressed in this article. Thanks
What it all boils down to is having your privacy & a reliable piece of a.. I f I had to put a price on things, the most expensive would be my privacy & independence, the second most expensive would be sex. The older you get, the smarter you get!
I've been divorced for over a year now and separated for two years. However, until I read this article I thought living in a house (I live in an apartment) would be too much space and would not feel like home because it would only be myself and my child living there instead of an aka family (mother, father, children). This artilcle really made me take a different view about living in a house. It made me feel I can do this without worrying and I could really enjoy and love it. I have a totally different outlook on living alone in a house and actually am looking forward to it.
Thanks - I needed to know it was being done and enjoyed by plenty of women.
A long time ago, in the the New York Times Magazine there was an article on this same subject and it opened my eyes long before I became divorced of this option.
It was a writer who lived in London and her husband (note: married), lived in the country.
Isn't that creative?
Diana
I am a single person also and I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, but I do like living alone because I am a private person. 15 years ago, I had my own apartment and met a guy and allowed him to move in with me which was a big mistake. He wasn't even serious about our relationship and didn't plan on staying with me long. I moved out of state and he moved out of my apartment. My situation was worse once I arrived in California to roommate with my girlfriend who had 2 children and was divorced and living by herself so I moved in with her. It was worse living with someone who has children in addition to herself. I had one son and I was pregnant with my now 14 year old daughter whose father I had left behind. Anyways, in 1996 I met another man who wanted to move in with me after I got my own place when I was living in Riverside, CA but I said no because of the experience I had with my previous boyfriend. I swore to myself I will never have another man move in with me again unless I get married. Now, 15 years later, I live alone and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love reading essays on this subject, when I can find them! It is nice to hear from someone who shares my point of view. In a society where co-habitation is the norm, it is sometimes hard not to feel like a freak for not wanting to take that "normal" step. I have never lived with a man, and imagine that doing so would be contrary to my nature. I like having alone time to think and pursue my creative pursuits. I love having a sanctuary where I can retreat and shut out the world. I have no interest in a domestic life with a man, having kids, washing his clothes, etc. , and want to keep the romance in my relationship. I'm sure that keeping my own spot will help in that regard.
I enjoyed reading this article and many points made sense to me. I have been married and divorced twice. I shared 3 homes with 2 husbands over the course of 20 years.
I now have my own home with no kids and no husband in it. Just my cat. While I do get lonely, I cannot see myself living with a partner again. I would like to meet someone who can "LAT" with me.
Can I get an AMEN! This article says it right. My feeling is that I want a man in my life, but not in my house. I am blessedly single now. Marriage was a slow 5 year torture. Now, I have a life that suits me. I have privacy, which I never had when I was married. LIVING ALONE RULES!
I applaud you both for the agreement. Couls you both have had separate suites under the same roof....and save a few dollars...
I have been with a wonderful man for 9 months now. For the first 6 months of our relationship, I practically lived with this man due to a difficult living situation of my own. To escape this madness, my boyfriend would let me stay at his house--every single night. I took full advantage of his kindness, and overstayed my welcome. The only factor that proved I wasn't living with him was the location of my belongings. Every day I would pack an overnight bag to stay with him, and that got tedious after a month or two. Even though we both have very busy lives and saw one another for only a few hours each day, we began to have fights quite often. We would argue about the littlest things, and had even considered breaking up a few times.
That was when I decided that the solution to this problem was to fix my own living situation so that I could actually stay at my house on days that it was most convenient, or just when either of us needed some space. Immediately, I saw results. Although my boyfriend won't admit it, I know he likes the distance. Then, when it becomes unbearable, he'll ask me to stay a night with him, or vice versa. When I read this article, I had to respond becuase I could not agree with the author more!
My boyfriend and I now have a strong, healthy relationship. Living (and sleeping) separately from one another makes our time together that much more special. I look forward to many happy years with this beautiful man, all thanks to separation of home.
I like this idea of one's own space
so that you can know thyself.
keep up the good inspiration.
I am in a long distance relationship.I meet my boyfriend once a month.The remaining three weeks I can spend it my way since I am a graduate student I like to work on my time table noone to dictate when I should wake up,sleep,eat or relax.
Since I am the only child I am not used to sharing my space.To be honest I dread the day we get married and I would have to start living under the same roof with him.I hope I get jobs in different cities.Its expensive to fly but I think we are willing to pay that price for love and personal space
I think there is nothing wrong in wanting to be living apart.I'm in a long distance relationship now for 3yrs.and i lived with my boyfriend for a year,but that did not work out so well for me in changing places.So he thought we might try living alone for a bit.and now it's great the sparks are there when we see each other.And it's nice for me to go and visit,but nice to come home to my place and breathe.but we will tie the knot sometime in the near future.but for now we like it the way it is.
I'm so grateful I'm alive and I've preserved my solitude which just gets richer and richer. For years I wanted it, I ached for space and the chance to really see my true self without the self that had to surrender in order to be loved. What I've found is an authenticity that is rare but much needed for autonomous honest living. Thank you for writing this. We are so lucky to be women in this day and age...if we can just have the strength and faith that what we really need and want is acceptable. Go out on that limb to find our best selves... and then the miracles that unfold when we share that "us" with others...... that's heaven on earth.
I agree completely.
The phrase in Holland is "LAT" relation.
Life Apart Together.
Ank from Holland.
In Holland i've been told there is a new phrase in the language which translates as "living together apart'. I'm in this state at present but this will change when I retire as I cant afford to live in my present home.But my significant other and I are talkiing at great lengths to plan for the best for both of us including our own personal space
I whole heartedly agree! I have been telling friends just that for years. They keep telling me that when I find the 'right one' I'll want to live with a man again. I just don't see the point. Everything you described about the benefits of living apart is sooooooo true!
